Jay Cartwright’s Wildest Lies and Boasts in The Inbetweeners

I'm just really good at shagging now, that's all I'm saying.

I've been out porking loads of veg.

I've shagged for about two years.

The Caravan Club is like a sex club all over Europe.

I've lost my cherry and none of you sad hags have.

I took an army driving course when I was a teen.

I know a bloke who builds Formula 1 cars. He owes me a fave.

You know she has to get special bras made because not only are her tits so big,

but they are perfectly round.

She once munched off the whole rugby team.

They're in from when we was doing trials at West Ham.

The more fingers up, the better.

They fucking love it.

Try to get at least three.

What I'm telling you, all the birds I've shagged love that.

I'll be up to my nuts in some guts,

shagging those two sisters from Caravan Club.

Oh, that is definitely your mum's snatch.

First rule of Caravan Club is that everyone gets some.

That one has fucked everyone.

I've slung one up her a few times myself.

I'll get plenty of girls.

We're going to be drowning in babes.

I've organised hundreds of parties.

Guess who just got a blowy behind the decks?

The Swanage field trip is legendary for carnage.

My mate went last year and he banged her.

He said that she was the best he'd ever had.

Think I'm down here for girls, mate.

Get enough of them back at home.

That's what you get for leading on pedos, you slut.

She's probably just got an old face.

Must be because of all the jizz she's had on it.

I bet her body's still pretty fit.

On holiday in Spain one year,

me and my mate took a peddler out and we went to Africa.

Nah, the handwriting's just bad

because they were strumming one out as they rode them.

I think she'll be too busy sucking on her boyfriend's knob to notice.

Shut up.

What?

All I'm saying is he'll have his cock right deep in her gob

and then in her vag.

Out of the vag, straight back in the gob.

When I worked there last summer,

I spent every day jumping JCBs over cement mixers.

Well, that's a lie.

And I got paid a grand at the end of the week.

Another lie!

Slide my dipstick in right deep.

How are you going to take him down?

Spunk in his eyes?

Are you called Down Syndrome or something?

Oh, she'd definitely get it.

Right in the bumhole.

Mate, I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment.

She's got a modelling job.

Let's fly to Paris.

Nice one.

Now I get a proper free course meal.

Blolly, shag and anal.

Jesus Christ, Simon!

What the fuck have you done in there?

What?

Oh, you've been eating cat food again.

Oh God, you left skids down the bowl too.

Carly, I didn't.

I only went in for a piss.

God, I can taste it.

Oh, your dad is so AIDS.

He's the one who gave it to the monkeys.

Take that back.

That's what the monkeys said to him.

Well, I'm not a sad case.

I go up to London all the time.

I went last weekend.