Birthday Monologue and Movie Promotion

Thank you. Thank you. I am so excited to be hosting tonight, especially because at the stroke of midnight, it's my birthday. And I'm doing what I always do on my birthday, which is stand in Midtown in a tight-ass latex dress looking for

attention. The last time I was here, I was promoting a movie called Madame Web. Thank you. And tonight, I'm still promoting it- ... because the movie hasn't made any money

yet. What else has happened since last time I hosted? Um, well, uh, I went through two very public, very, uh, lame breakups with two very awesome musicians.

Looking for a third. Oh, hey there. Dakota? Oh, Leon. Oh? Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. I'm just gonna- Sorry. I'm just- It's okay. Sorry ... I was, I'm...

Sorry. Thought about it. Um- I'm not gonna talk about my personal life in my monologue, I'm here to talk about my new movie, Verity. And in the movie, Anne Hathaway and I have a make-out scene,

and now she's pregnant, so- ... you do the math. The movie is a psychosexual erotic thriller, and you know what? So is dating musicians. Some of them don't wear shoes, some of them are terrible

in bed- ... but all of them are in my DMs. It's not my fault, though. Some people leave concerts with merch, and I leave concerts with a two-and-a-half-year relationship. But I have really good friends. They don't judge me for dating these men.

They're actually really supportive. Ladies and gentlemen, my literal therapist. I'm not, not your therapist, actually. You just,

you just show up once a week at my house with a empty bottle of wine and ask if I want some. Yeah, well, I have manners. And then you flop on my couch and overshare, and every so often I just say,

"Damn, that's, that's crazy." Is that not a therapist? And then I go, "Well, you know, oh, it's getting late. I should probably go to bed," and- ... and, and then you say-

"Sleepover, yay!" And then I give you a Pedialyte and my security drives you home. Well, just q- quickly while we're on the subject of musicians, I think actually I'm doing a public service by dating them because ladies,

I am saving you a lot of money on Zoloft. Mm-hmm. So you're welcome, America. And also England, and parts of Ireland, and Cleveland.

Woo-woo. Allegedly. We have got a great show for you tonight. It's her birthday. It's my birthday.

So stick around. We'll be right back.