Occupying Property in Spain Explained

How to seize an apartment in Spain, that is, to occupy it,

meaning to grab it. So, first things first.

A large number of comments, naturally, our people want to fight.

It's a normal instinct, by the way, to fight for your home.

But let me remind you,

The Criminal Code of the Russian Federation, Article 115.

Spain has a similar article as well, it's 147.

Inflicting minor bodily harm.

I also want to tell you that the police here work very well.

The police are real eagles.

Their workday consists of two workouts.

Let me remind you, they don't pump their biceps and show them off in the mirror.

They don't drink lavender raf or pumpkin latte.

They don't split the bill with a woman.

It's just pure testosterone that works flawlessly.

Fist fighting skills at close range, at long range,

chokeholds, kicks. I've seen how they work.

Right in front of my eyes, they busted drug dealers and various ethnic gangs.

Sometimes they cordon off the town because there is a large number of tourists here.

You understand, sales are going well.

quite successfully, a large amount of cash, so everything is clear here, don't mess with the police

And so, it happened that you can't pay your mortgage, and you have no clients.

on Monday it fell through, you got sad, the crocodile won't be caught, the coconut won't grow

You arrive in Spain, what is the first thing you need to do?

Conduct investigative operations. Remember that cartoon, 'The Kolobki Detectives'?

Put a cap on your head, you can even bring it from Russia, put the cap on, and then go on.

You choose five to ten apartments or five to ten villas and start watching.

That is, you need to look at people's schedules, meaning when everyone goes to work,

when they go on vacation, when they go on business trips, so you really need to

monitor it, and you can choose a decent place for yourself right away with a good layout,

so that you can later order a design project from designers, from compatriots in Russia.

Actually, the designer draws really well, I work with them, I'll give you the contact.

Next, once you've made sure the person won't be there for a week, you must break into the house.

If previously the law was such that as soon as you entered the house, it was yours,

now you need to hold this house for three days.

That is, using a crowbar, if you are a man, you break down the door,

if you are a beautiful, elegant woman with graceful hands, you take a fourth guitar string and the latches here give in.

Our compatriots checked too. Believe me, compatriots from the Soviet Union are simply invincible.

Once you've broken in, then you need to keep quiet.

Meaning no disco, no noise or fuss, we just sit quietly.

How do you prove this apartment is yours? I mean, on a legal level.

You need to order a pizza, you can order a bun, you can order sushi, you can

even with sauce. You need to show over the course of three days,

that you have three receipts,

proving you are here. That's it, after three days you can already make vinegret salad.

You can make Olivier, herring under a fur coat, even with onions, you can even make a crab stick salad.

After that, you can use a proxy server to watch The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath!

You can even put on Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears, it's more relevant, meaning you won, that's it, the place is yours.

And now, the big moment,

the owner arrives,

the keys no longer work,

knocks on the door, and you say, we really liked your layout,

we've already ordered a design project.

To which the owner naturally calls the police, the police arrive in a flash and say,

do you have a court order?

Naturally, the owner doesn't.

To which the police say, well, the people are sitting quietly, what grounds are there to break in?

That is, they can of course break down the door on the condition that you made noise.

Our compatriots had this practice too, when you arrive at the entrance, beat up all the neighbors, showed them who's boss, then they can evict you.

But if you keep quiet, that's it,

the owner goes to the beach,

furthermore, he continues to pay for utilities, the mortgage,

for trash removal, building maintenance,

for Wi-Fi, even for the radio.

He pays for everything, you live there.

Court cases in Spain take about 10 to 15 years, so you can easily live at his expense.

Next.

As the owner, you might say, "I'll just go and seize it."

Yes, you can only seize it in the event that

the squatters leave the house.

So, if you—in this case, you are the squatter—

usually, the woman stays home, and women are more alert and sensitive to any sounds.

The man is out somewhere.

So, you leave the woman, she stays inside.

And as soon as the owner tries to get into his own house,

the woman calls the police and, basically, he is taken to jail, because under Spanish law, that's a break-in.

That is, the only scenario where you can be kicked out of there,

is when you go to the beach to swim, or relax, or to some museum to see the sights.

Then the owner, again, breaks into his own apartment and, again, does what? Occupies it. That's it.

If you, for example,

want to get into a fistfight—there have been such stories too, you understand—

it's one thing when men beat each other's faces in, you have no idea

how women act when they are furious.

This isn't just writing some comment or blocking someone.

When a woman fights for her home,

she can use a hairbrush like a professional.

That is, clawing a face with a hairbrush.

If a woman claws it slightly,

meaning it will heal in a month,

then it's minor bodily harm. One to one and a half years.

And if it mauls them badly, there have been such cases too,

so I think it's five to seven years. That is already causing grievous bodily harm.

Here is what happens next.

When they say, what if a squatter goes and moves in with a police officer,

for example, or with some judge. Guys, it's the same thing.

This isn't Russia, where Uncle Lyosha...

Like, there's some bullshit going on here, someone is living in my place.

I'll be there in a second, Maksimka, and in 20 minutes Uncle Lyosha will conduct traumatic negotiations,

inflict a good psychological trauma and that's it. It'll cure them instantly.

Right away.

They'll never want to trespass again. But here it's not like that. And there was a story like this,

When squatters took over a grandmother's apartment, she...

Broke into a judge's house. A judge's, guys!

And when the judge came home, the grandmother looked out the window and said,

Once you resolve my issue, then I will...

Well, I'll vacate the house. That's it, resolve my issue. And the judge was left out on the street. Those are the laws here.

Well, that's basically it, I think. If I missed anything, write in the comments.

I'll throw some more your way. I can also tell you about taxes.