Exploring Insecurity and Relationships

created the insecurity and the jealousy

that put hands on this woman.

The man that was involved in that relationship

was constantly comparing himself to other people.

And I was a dishonest person

in that I was wearing this mask.

I've gotten cold sores my whole life.

Got them from my mother.

I get two cold sores a year when I'm stressed out

or I'm sick.

I never told any of my sexual partners

about getting cold sores, never.

And that's something, when you talk about like,

how do you talk to these people who you done fucked over?

Like, there's certain shit you can't clean up.

You know, you can't make amends

for permanent damage like that.

You know, and so my daughter now

has become this opportunity for me, you know?

And every woman in my purview has become an opportunity

for me to be like a standup dude.

I used to open doors for women.

I used to, you know, I was a good dude that way,

but it was almost performative.

It was almost like, I'll do this good thing

so you can think I'm a good dude.

But like, in my own private life,

when the doors were closed,

I never told any woman I had cold sores, you know?

And so that's deplorable behavior, you know?

When a woman would like me,

it felt like so fucking foreign

that I didn't wanna fuck it up.

And I always thought that a woman being into me

was tied to this business.

So like, I think about why the business

and the industry was so important for me.

And it really has almost little,

very little to do with the craft itself

and the spiritual nature of what the craft can be.

For a great swath of time, it had to do with,

this is how I define myself.

This is where I build my ego

so that I can go in and pursue these things

that will, these feelings that will absolve me

from the very real feeling that is continual loneliness

and the feeling of being not enough

and the feeling of constantly comparing yourself

to other people.

And what that does in a relationship

is it makes you,