English transcript

Good evening comrades, allies, and people on

complex journeys. As your proudly progressive

Lord Chancellor, I can confirm that from tonight,

we are scrapping judges, scrapping juries, and

frankly scrapping the whole dusty court system.

Instead, every case in Britain will now be decided

by one glorious creation of social justice engineering:

LammyBot 3000. No wigs, no wood paneling, no

12 confused people from Wetherspoons. You simply

stand on a mat while LammyBot scans your face,

your X history, your Spotify playlists, and

how quickly you posted a black square in 2020.

It calculates your privilege score, cross-references

your pronoun usage, and checks if you've ever

typed the words "I'm just saying what everyone's

thinking." If you have, LammyBot gently flashes

red and says: "Under the Equality, Diversity

and Historic Tweets Act, you are structurally

guilty." There is an appeal process uh you may

go free if you film a tearful apology video,

subscribe to my podcast, and share it with the

caption "I'm learning and I'm listening." This

is not the end of justice. This is justice upgraded

to LammyOS.