English transcript

I called the wrong number today. I said, hello, is Joey there?

And the woman answered, she said, yes, yes, he is.

I said, can I speak to him, please?

She said, no, he can't talk right now. He's only two months old.

I said, all right, I'll wait.

Last night I was in a bar and I walked up to this beautiful woman and I said,

do you live around here often?

She said, you're wearing two different color socks.

I said, yes, but it's neither the same because I go by thickness.

And she said, how do you feel?

And I said, well, you know, when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back,

so you just start two legs and then you lean too far and you almost fall over,

but just at the last second you catch yourself.

I feel like that all the time.

I broke a mirror in my house.

I'm supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

For absolutely no reason, I went to Canada.

I was feeling good.

I just received my degree in calcium anthropology.

The study of milkmen.

And we were jogging over the border back into the United States.

They asked me if I had any firearms.

I said, what do you need?

I used to be a waiter.

I was fired for clearing tables.

I was clearing them for takeoff.

Had them all lined up outside.

People thought it was an outdoor cafe.

I said, no, these are leaving at three.

They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I think they should put the wrapper on a straw on the inside,

because that's the part that you don't want to get dirty.

First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm learning how to play the harmonica, but the only way I can play it is to drive a hundred miles an hour and put the harmonica in my hand and stick my hand out the window.

I've been arrested three times for practicing.

Last summer, I drove cross country with a friend of mine.

We split the drive, and we switched every half mile.

The whole way across, we only had one cassette tape to listen to.

I can't remember what it was.

We were in Salina, Utah, when we were arrested for not going through a green light.

We pleaded maybe.

I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, and he told me, and I said, no further questions.

I looked outside my window, and I saw a bird wearing sneakers.

It had a little button on it, so I didn't feel like I had to wear it.

So I opened the window, and I said, what's your problem, buddy?

He said, I'm sick of this stuff.

Every year, it's the same thing.

I went to hear some of that.

I went to hear some of that.

He said, I don't know who thought this up, but it certainly wasn't a bird.

I said, well, I was just making breakfast.

Come on in.

Do you want some eggs?

Sorry.

I got up this morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called information.

I said, you want information?

She said, yes.

I said, I can't find my socks.

She said, they're behind the couch.

And they were.