Chinese → English transcript

Any middle- aged man— actually you don’t even need to be middle- aged,

just married for three to five years or more— I recommend you always

pee sitting down. Do you know why? Because if you pee standing up,

no matter how careful you are,

even if you have thirty years of experience peeing standing up,

it will still splash out. As long as it splashes,

unless your wife is that one- in- ten- thousand slob,

otherwise she will definitely be disgusted with you. But the good news is

that doctors say men peeing while sitting is good for the prostate.

So I want to give a little reminder to those male friends who are not married yet.

No matter how well you do,

as long as you get married and it goes on for long enough, you will be disliked

by your wife. Even if you

go out and you are a general commanding thousands of troops,

killing people without batting an eye,

when you come home your wife will still dislike you. No matter how well you do,

you will always be disliked.

The fate of a married man is to be disliked by his wife. Got it now?

When men get along with women,

you have to win them over with emotion.

Do not try to win them over with virtue,

and do not be so foolish as to try to win them over with logic.

When I had just gotten together with Sister Long,

she would often bring back situations from her workplace to tell me about.

She would say that at work she had a colleague who did this and that and that.

Then she would be very angry and sit there with me cursing that colleague at work.

She would say how that person did this thing so, so, so wrong.

Even though in ninety percent

of cases I actually thought she was right,

there was still that ten percent of the time when I listened and thought,“ Hey,

that’s not right, you’re also at fault.”

And I happen to teach logic. I used to teach GRE, doing logical analysis.

Being stupidly earnest, I started analyzing for her

why in this matter she also bore some share of the blame.

Then she would argue with me,

and I would launch into a full analysis and task breakdown,

breaking the complex problem into crystal- clear parts, one, two, three,

sometimes even taking out pen and paper.

I would say,“ Look, in this matter seventy percent is the other person’s fault,

but thirty percent is also your fault. What do you think?”

In the end, how could she possibly out- argue a logic teacher like me?

Finally she would say,“ Oh.” She would say,“ OK.”

After she said OK and admitted it,

the next two weeks I did not have a single good day.

After a long time I finally understood one thing:

when she came back and told me about that situation,

her purpose was to seek emotional support. So what should a proper boyfriend,

a reliable husband, do? What should you do?

First of all, you do not want this to turn into a two- hour Q& A either.

So as long as she talks, you more or less listen. Do not be too fake,

and you should still ask about a couple of details to show sincerity.

Then next, go on a full rant, right, like“ what a real jerk,

people like that are outrageous” But do not overact it, you know what I mean Anyway,

when she complains about that workplace she ran into,

you just join in and curse it out with her

In the end she gets emotional support, that is enough,

but some people say“ I must convince others with reason” If you do that,

you are looking at decades of a miserable life

I am not cursing you, this is just a reminder,

you see, some people say“ I recorded the screen to show my husband” Yeah,

she should show him