Transcript · English → Chinese
Comedy skit about plumbing and terrorism
然后拍手。
饥荒。
饥荒。
古拉格笑声。饥荒。
古拉格笑声。我们在笑，
同志。最后再拍一次手。
埃内斯托！
美国人要进攻了吗？
哦，
老兄，你吓死我了。
你把我从一个梦中叫醒， 梦里我和亨利
卡维尔在玩水上摩托。
让我猜猜。你们都没穿衣服， 亨利坐在
你后面？
没有。
对对，当然。话说， 厨房水龙头坏了。
我觉得得找个水管工。
水管工？
拜托，我有医学学位。 你以为一个水龙头能
吓到我？
别拿这个当借口盯着看 我希腊男神般的屁股。
哦。快叫那个该死的水管工！
我确定就是这个。
我不确定。 这颜色和说明书上的不太一样。
说明书。
你为什么总是怀疑我？
我同意帮你弄这个丑死人的 玩意儿。
试着对人好一点吧，至少一次。
需要我提醒你吗 我同意跟你一起去那个
漆鸭大会
是上周末的事吗？
一定是马克。他 本该带特百惠保鲜盒来的。
啊，弗拉基米尔。
哦，老兄弟，见到你真高兴。
抱歉，我去了朝鲜旅行。 你该去一次，那里棒极了。
什么风把你吹来的？ 因为我们现在正忙着处理约瑟夫的 事。
不，我们并不忙。嘿， 我们做我们的事？
看在往日情分上？
永远待在古拉格。
终于。
愿你平安。你叫了乌萨马管道公司？ 我来了。
请进。 我们关掉了公寓的水，
但这个水龙头
出问题了。
恐怖分子！
你他妈干了什么，你这个白痴？ 那是水管工。
嗯， 我得在他引爆
炸弹腰带之前先下手。
啊，真他妈的。我们到底 该怎么办？
等等。先把他绑起来， 再想办法。
哇， 看来《马里奥银河》这部分进展得
很不顺利。
这让我想起在曼谷一次很棒的捆绑 性爱。
嘿，伙计们。 你们绝猜不到谁来看我们了。
嘿，兄弟，看。 我用水瓶抓到了一个恐怖分子。
什么？
你们折磨人居然 都不叫上我？
我们没打算折磨他。
哦，真的吗？ 一点点小小的折磨也不？
要是他死了怎么办？ 我们扛着尸体走到
最近的垃圾场？
对，这主意其实不坏。
以真主之名，这里到底他妈怎么回事 ？
对不起，阿拉丁， 但我们可能不得不折磨
你。
折磨我？为什么？ 我不是你们的敌人。
你在阿富汗肯定杀了不少我们 的同志，对吧？
是杀了几个。不过拜托，各位，那是战 争。 那都是很久以前的事了。
不过既然你现在替美国 魔鬼办事，那就尽管折磨我吧。
他说得有道理。 朋友的敌人就是朋友，
大家都这么说。
是敌人的敌人就是朋友， 你这个白痴。
我就是这么说的。
好吧，那我们该怎么办？
放他走？
要是他回来报仇怎么办？
不，我保证。 我以麦加起誓，我不会回来报仇。
再说了， 这栋楼甚至不够高，根本不会被飞机 撞上。
hit by a plane.
或者
我们认识一个人，可以替我们 处理掉他。
哦，不，别那样。别找他。 绝对不行。
虽然我很失望酷刑 环节取消了，但我觉得卡斯特罗
说得对。
好吧。行，我会打给他。
等等，我去给你拿电话。
不用了。
犹太人。
犹太人？在哪儿？
嗯。
不，他来自沙漠， 但他不是犹太人。
哥们， 我们真需要你帮忙让这个
家伙消失。
我们会非常感激。
但有一个条件。
我要约瑟夫和我一起吃晚饭，
也许还不止这些。
好吧，行。 但餐厅得由我选。
啊，那我们成交了。
我能和你们一起吃晚饭吗？
能尿出来真舒服。谢谢。
不客气。
我也为差点杀了你道歉。
这种事常有。 有一次我袭击了一个我以为
是拉比的人，但其实那是个
穿成西斯领主的家伙，正从 《星球大战：原力觉醒》上映当天的电 影院出来
out.
我想我刚找到我的新死党了。
End of transcript · 718 words · machine translated
Original transcript (English)
And clap. Famine. Famine. Gulag laughter. Famine. Gulag laughter. We're laughing,
comrade. One last clap. Ernesto! Are the Americans attacking? Oh, dude, you scared the hell out of me.
You woke me up right in the middle of a dream where I was jet skiing with Henry Cavill. Let me guess. You were both naked and Henry was riding behind you? No.
Yeah, yeah, sure. Anyway, the kitchen faucet's busted. I think we need a plumber. A plumber? Please, I have a medical degree. You think a faucet's gonna scare me?
And don't use this as an excuse to stare at my Greek god ass. Oh. Call the damn plumber! I'm sure this is the one. I'm not sure. The color isn't really the one in the instructions.
Why do you always doubt me? I agreed to help you with this hideous thing. Try to make an effort to be nicer for once. Do I need to remind you that I agreed to go with you to the lacquer duck convention
last weekend? That must be Mark. He was supposed to bring the Tupperware. Ah, Vladimir. Oh, old brother, so happy to see you. Sorry, but I was traveling in North Korea. You should go there once. It's fabulous.
What brings you here? Because right now we're busy with Joseph. But no, we're not busy. Hey, we do our thing? For old time's sake? Gulag forever. Finally.
Salaam aleikum. You called Usama Plumbing? I'm here. Come in. We shut off the apartment's water, but it's this faucet that's acting up. A terrorist!
What the hell have you done, you moron? That was the plumber. Well, I had to attack before he detonated his explosive belt. Ah, for fuck's sake. What the hell are we gonna do? Wait. First we'll tie him up, then we'll think.
Whoa, looks like this part of Mario Galaxy went badly. This reminds me of a great bondage session in Bangkok. Hey, guys. You'll never guess who's here to visit us. Hey, bro, look. I caught a terrorist with water bottles.
What? You're torturing someone without even inviting me? We weren't planning to torture him. Oh, really? Not even a tiny little torture? And if he dies, then what? We walk around carrying the body to the
nearest dump? Yeah, that's actually not a bad idea. By Allah, what the hell is going on here? Sorry, Aladdin, but we're probably gonna have to torture you.
Torture me? Why? I'm not one of your enemies. You must have killed quite a few of our comrades in Afghanistan, didn't you? A few. But come on, guys, it was war. That was ages ago. But if you're working for the American devil now, go ahead, torture me. He's got a point. The enemy of my friend is my friend,
as they say. It's the enemy of my enemy is my friend, you moron. That's what I said. All right, so what do we do? Let him go?
What if he comes back for revenge? No, I promise. I swear on Mecca I won't come back for revenge. Besides, this building isn't even tall enough to be hit by a plane. Or
we know someone who could take care of him. Oh, no. Not that. Not him. Absolutely out of the question. Even though I'm disappointed the torture session is canceled, I think Castro's right. Fine. Okay, I'll call him.
Wait, I'll get you the phone. No need. Jew. Jews? Where? Hmm.
No. He's from the desert, but he's not Jewish. Dude, we could really use your help making this guy disappear. We'd be very grateful. On one condition.
I want Joseph to have dinner with me, and maybe a little more. All right, fine. But I get to choose the restaurant. Ah, then we have a deal. Can I come to dinner with you guys?
It feels good to pee. Thanks. You're welcome. And I apologize for almost killing you. It happens. Once I attacked a guy I thought was a rabbi, but actually it was a guy
dressed as a Sith lord coming out of the cinema on the day The Force Awakens came out. I think I just found my new best friend.
