Comedic Monologue on Life Struggles

How are you?

Hello, Mr. Dangerfield.

Sanson, I'll take all calls.

Go ahead, Mr. Dangerfield.

I tell you, life is tough.

I mean, today started out all right.

I got a dial tone, but the pressure was still there.

And this pressure is like a heaviness.

And it's always on top of me, this heaviness, since I'm a kid.

Other people wake up in the morning, ah, new day, up and at them.

I wake up, the heaviness is right there waiting for me.

And sometimes I haven't talked to it.

And I say, hi, heaviness.

And the heaviness looks back at me, today you're going to get it good.

You'll be drinking early today.

You still have the ringing in your ears. Oh, it's getting worse.

Are you kidding? I'm getting busy signals now.

Oh, I thought I was sick.

My doctor told me take plenty of liquids and get a lot of rest.

I drank till I passed out.

I'll tell you, doc, my whole family's been mixed up.

My great uncle, he fought the American revolution. Well, he thought Washington crossed the Delaware because he had a girl in Jersey.

The British are coming! The British are coming! Thanks a lot.

They were just here.

Who are you? Harrison Dangerfield.

I'm a minute man. Yeah? Well, how come it took you a half hour to get here?

I took the George Washington Bridge. Yeah? What happened? It wasn't built yet.

Shoot this man! Hey, wait a minute, will you? I got three wives and a kid.

Ready! Who's ready? I'm not ready. Ready!

Hey! Hey, what happened to flogging?

Fire!

Oh, I tell you, Doc, my family's always had problems.

The men always married the wrong women.

I'll tell you, a doctor be happy in life. You gotta have the right woman.

I had a great girl once. She was wonderful, beautiful,

bright. I loved her, she was great. I left her for my wife and kids.

And my wife, she's a beauty. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.

She told me she was seeing a psychiatrist, a bartender, and two plumbers.

I'll tell you, dumb. I'm like the rest of men in my family. They weren't smart, they were dumb.

Well, my Swiss uncle, Gunther Dangerfield, he got a job as a yodeler.

He forgot the lyrics.

Yo, yo, yo, hey, yo, hey, hey, hey, you.

I tell you, doc, the whole thing goes back to my childhood. I remember.

My mother and father got divorced.

There was a custody fight over me. and no one showed up.

Well, after that I had a rough.

Well, for four years they sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I'll tell you, my family, nothing but losers. There's only one normal one, nicest guy in the world.

He died in prison of unnatural causes.

What time is it, sir?

You have about 10 minutes, my son.

but I'm usually about eight minutes slow.

What's the matter, my son?

I got a cold.

Don't worry, you won't have it tomorrow.

Now, why don't you take this money and give it to the church, huh?

Oh, it's so kind of you, son. That's all right, Father. I stole it from the church.

You heard from the governor? Yes, the governor called. He wants to meet your sister.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot,

Father.

If you don't mind, I guess I got about one minute left, huh?

Are you scared, my son? No, Father.

I'm no chicken.

You're no chicken.

Well, tomorrow you'll be extra crispy.

Father, I'd kind of like to be alone now, if you don't mind. I'm not even a Catholic.

I'm not even a priest.

I just hang around here to cheer you guys up.

I'm into people.

I'm a people person. I love working with people.

Oh, yeah? Right.

Well, nice working with you.

Not yet. Not yet!

Hey, Doc, what do you think? Here's some sleeping pills I want you to take. When should I take them?

Whenever you wake up.

You know,

Mr. Dangerfield,

you're suffering because... I just don't think you get any... What's the word?

Appreciation? That's not it.

You suffer from a lack of self-esteem. Nobody gives you any...

reinforcement, any positive feedback. Nobody's...