Experiences in the Adult Film Industry

Yeah, of course.

So what is it like now, now that you're outside of that?

Like, do you, how do you,

does, do you kind of just completely separate

the sex that you had when you were working

from like the personal romance and intimacy you experienced?

Yeah, so the biggest difference would be when I was working,

I never thought of it as sex.

It was a performance and I would plan things

before the scenes of like what I was going to say,

how I was going to squeeze the bed sheet.

Like it was strictly a performance.

And then the times that it couldn't be

were the times that were traumatic for me.

And what do you mean by when it couldn't be?

When it got to me as a person,

like say I showed up to a set and they didn't tell me

that I would be working with an 80 year old man.

Like that's it, then in my head, it was like,

I could feel every bit of it.

And it felt like rape to me because I didn't want to do it,

but I didn't know how to say no.

The other times are just a blur

because it really was just a performance

and didn't impact me in any type of way

that I know of right now.

And how did you leave it finally?

What was the last straw?

I didn't know how to quit, but I was having panic attacks,

just generally wanting to die

and not knowing how to tell anyone like,

hey, cancel this year of work

because they would tell me everyone's going to hate you.

You'll never, you'll be banned from the industry.

So I actually had this,

I actually ended up getting fired by my last agent

because I was just mentally in the fucking shits

and we had gone to the.