Bruce Willis on Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis

Bruce, you can't smoke in here. You can't smoke in here. Give me that.

You can't smoke. Thank you.

Uh, hello, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.

Um, my name is Zach Galifianakis and, uh, my guest today is Bruce Willis, um, movie star and harmonicist.

What was that, a wasp? W- are there wasps in here?

Sorry. So, uh, how many children do you have?

Three. Three. Which is your favorite, Ashton?

Do you, do you get his tweets? They wrote that line on purpose.

Zach knew exactly what he was doing. Bruce knew exactly what he was doing too.

This is so hilarious. Like, you call him and go, "Hey, I got your tweets."

Pretty good tweeting today. When you were making The Whole Ten Yards, were you ever worried that it would be too good?

I'll just, I'll just keep moving. Did you know that some actors turn down roles?

A- any plans to reboot the Grumpy Old Men franchise?

Bruce, I'm gonna need you to loosen up a little bit.

It's... this is, um, hard for me. I'm very...

I'm, I'm intimidated, and you don't seem to be answering the questions, and I, uh- Have, have we started? We're not doing an interview now, right?

No, no, no, we've been doing it for about four minutes.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about, Willis?

You ever heard that before? No. It's a little easy, I gotta tell you.

Look who's talking. There we go. That's product placement.

Under the armpits?

Sorry.

Let's talk about, uh, where do you, where do you keep your Oscar?

Your Oscar s- trophy? I mean, your, uh, Blockbuster Entertainment award.

Where do you keep that? It's a great award. I look at it every day, and it reminds me of what used to be, how much fun it used to be.

Yeah, I mean, those were the good old days.

Those, the likely- The '80s. '80s, man, you could get away with anything.

Yeah. Women were much cleaner, much cleaner then.

How- Patent leather shoes and women's toenails clicking on the pavement as you go by Anthropology, and you're going to buy some candles, and it just all of a sudden you're going, "I can't get the candles today, Brenda."

Bruce, what's wrong? I mean- You'll see. It's all parties.

Getting blown up and down Hollywood Boulevard, my friend.

And then the phone stops ringing, okay? And you're gonna get to that fucking point, and you're gonna go, "Now I get it. Now I understand."

And then you're sitting in a room, and it's just you and all your cousins.

What is that? Is that a wasp? Don't move.

Where are you going? Ah! Is that a wasp? Is that a wasp?

The fire is fake. The panic is fake. The plant going up is fake. And Bruce still treats an open flame like a bug because both of them decided the dumbest possible reaction was the funniest one.

Ashton should tweet this