Public Opinion on Net Zero Policy

Tonight, we're going to be investigating Net Zero,

a bold government plan that aims to save the planet

by drastically cutting carbon emissions.

But do the British public believe in a cleaner, greener future,

or is it just another crazy idea destined for failure?

We sent our reporters around the country to find out more.

What do you think of Net Zero and the government's energy policy, sir?

It's a load of bollocks, that's what I think.

Any thoughts on Net Zero?

It's so important if we want to save the planet.

And if my granny has got to freeze to death because

she can't afford to put the heating on, then so be it.

I'm currently joined by Officer Longcook.

And I believe what we're standing on now is the newest submarine to join the Royal Navy fleet.

Can you tell me what's so special about it?

HMS Sunshine is the world's first solar-powered submarine. It cost £400 billion to develop,

and it really is one of a kind.

Have you encountered any problems with it yet?

Well, obviously, the solar panels don't work underwater.

And we can only store enough power to keep us moving for 15 minutes at a time.

So unfortunately, we do have to keep resurfacing for a minimum of 24 hours to recharge the batteries, which isn't exactly ideal.

I've now been joined by Ted Willihand, who is Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero.

Hi, Jenna. And a big hello to all the peasants watching at home.

Ted, is it true you want to replace all the farmland and cows behind us and fill all this area with large solar farms instead?

Farming isn't good for the environment.

And cows cause too much pollution with their farts.

So solar farms are the answer.

What do British farmers think of this?

Farmers fully support me, and they think I'm doing a great job.

Solar is the future of farmland. You don't have to get up at 4am to milk a solar panel.

Willihand, you wanker! Get off my land!

How do you feel about Britain having the highest energy bills in the world?

It's ridiculous. It's that bad. I've started sleeping with my husband again just to warm me up for two minutes.

Thoughts on Net Zero?

It's not good. No meat, no dairy, no holidays and no money.

They should just reopen the coal mines and stop worrying about windmills and cow farts.

Ted, I think that farmer spoke for everyone in Britain right now who are struggling to afford their energy bills.

What do you say to those people? If I was them, I'd just get a higher paying job.

For example, if you're earning minimum wage, just get a job on £50 an hour instead, and that will make bills much more affordable.

But why are energy prices going up?

Well, that's just not true. If you look at this chart here, you can see energy prices are actually going down.

I'm pretty sure that graph is upside down, Ted.

Oh, yes, it is. My mistake. Well spotted.

What about pensioners who can't work?

We heard a story last week about an 80-year-old woman who was wearing three jumpers and two coats and was still cold.

What do you say to her, Mr Willihand?

I would suggest that maybe she should consider wearing four jumpers and three coats instead.

Either that, or perhaps she could just visit Benidorm for a few months during winter.

I think that farmer was right, Ted. You really are a wanker, aren't you?

Anyway, it's time to check back in with our reporters out on the streets.

Do you agree with net zero? No, I honestly don't give a shit about all that stuff.

Bring on global warming. I think I speak for everyone when I say this country could do with being a bit hotter.

Is there any reason you haven't bought an electric car yet, sir?

Yeah, do you see that block of flats behind us? I live on the top floor. I'm going to need a bloody long charger, aren't I?

Would I be right in assuming you've got an electric car, Mr Willihand?

No, I don't want one. I prefer my Range Rover, to be honest.

Oh, OK. Have you considered possibly planting more trees to offset carbon emissions?

Yes, I did consider it, as it could work, but it's very difficult to profit from it.

Right, then I think we've covered everything now. Let's wrap this up.

I've been Generator and this prick has been Ted Willihand. Thanks for watching. Good night.