A Comic Treaty Negotiation Over Luxembourg

So, we're agreed.

France gets the city of Pinerolo

and the Bishopric

of Metz, and to Sweden goes Western Pomerania,

Wismar,

Stettin, and the islands of Rügen and Pal.

Oh, lovely.

And England, for replying within

28 days, gets this charming carriage clock.

Ah, thank you very much indeed. How very kind.

Right, well, I think that concludes our treaty.

Uh, gentlemen, a toast. Peace in Europe.

Peace in Europe.

Excellent.

Excuse me.

Oh, what is it now?

What, what, what, what, what?

Why are you interrupting?

Forgive me, Ambassador, but

what about Luxembourg?

He's right. Nobody owns Luxembourg.

France, I thought you owned Luxembourg.

No, we thought it was Dutch.

Sweden?

No, we thought it was Belgium.

England?

Well, we just knew it was on the continent

and didn't give a toss, really.

It looks as if Luxembourg has slipped through our net, doesn't it?

Well, we've got a country going up for grabs.

Anybody interested?

Is it Protestant?

Uh, mostly Catholic, I believe.

Let's just use it for

storage. Okay, good, good.

Uh, no, that's good, 'cause-

No, it's not good. Eh, someone's gotta take it. Come on,

who wants it?

Uh, what, what's it consist of?

The small state of Luxembourg

is a charming reminder of how

Europe used to be. Plague victims crawl elegantly

down its dung-filled streets, greasing the way with pus from

their

buboes, while at least two children a week

are burned as the

devil in the handsome market square.

The town boasts two

taverns, one humorous dwarf,

and a shop that sells

little things made of straw.

Huh. Sounds like Stevenage.

Well, um, who wants it then?

Well, we don't want

it. We've already got to do up West Pomerania,

not to mention

Wismar and Stettin.

France has no need of Luxembourg, although I do quite like the sound of

that shop

selling little things made out of straw.

Yes, yes, that shop

is an economic bonus, isn't it?

All right, I'll take it, I'll take it.

Good, excellent.

So Luxembourg goes to Sweden.

No, no, hold, hold, hold on. Hold on.

You can't just give

Sweden another province.

But you didn't want it.

Well, yeah, but that means that

they've now got Western Pomerania,

Stettin, and

Luxembourg. That's not fair.

We need Luxembourg to

store our pickled herring.

Why can't you store them in Sweden?

Oh, the whiff.

You Swedes and your pickled herring.

Why can't you eat a proper fish?

What's wrong with pickled herring?

Nothing if you're Swedish.

No, gentlemen, please.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, well, come on. Just because we all hate the Germans

doesn't mean we have to

like the Swedes. Ah, the Swedes are

all right. Well, they hate you.

No, we don't. We don't hate anybody.

"We don't hate anybody."

Well, you should. Makes life more fun.

Look, all we wanted to do was

protect the Protestant princes.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really.

What, you didn't fancy just kicking some German

arse?

That's why we were there. That's what rather appealed to us, too.

Look,

gentlemen, please.

Let's not unravel the tapestry of this

treaty

ere the shuttle has crossed the loom.

What? What?

Let's not, let's not cock it up

now. We're so close.

Oh, no.

I, I, I have a proposal. Why

not split Luxembourg in two?

Sweden can get the east and France the west.

Excellent.

Good. No, that's good. That's-

Um, um, sorry, sorry.

Oh, what do you want now?

Uh, forgive me, Ambassador, but

is it truly wise to divide a land in so

wild and ragged a fashion? In future years, there will be

Swedish Luxembourgers and

French Luxembourgers, Protestant and

Catholic, both at each

other's throats.

Oh, well, I, I, I don't know. I

think that'll give journalists of the

future

something to write about. No, I'm satisfied with this. I think this

is good.

I think, um, I

think in the future all our petty

squabbles over Europe will be

forgotten. It'll just be one, one huge state.

Hmm.

Probably with a single currency.

Oh, hurrah. Yes. That's a nice thought, it is. It is.

Uh, I, I'm going to have to opt out over

that one, I'm afraid.

We're more interested

in our new colony in America.

America.

America.

America. America. I

tell you, America, America has given us nothing

but tobacco and

potatoes and, uh, that new high-grade narcotic

that you're so fond of.

No, gentlemen, I think on the crucible of war we have

forged a new

Europe.

Right.

So who's for a pint?

Half liter?

Lager?

Bitter? Finest claret?

Oh, I'd love a pickled herring.

Oh,

you Swedes and your pickled herring.

Oh, just leave me alone.

Honestly. Well, it's getting-

I, I, forgive me.

Oh, she's back. What now?

Forgive me, Ambassador, but there is one more task: the savage

land of the Balkans.

Oh.

Oh.

Coitus, we forgot the Balkans.

Oh.

Well, look, here we are. One, two, three there.

Look, Bosnia, Herzegovina, Kosovo,

Greater Serbia. Everyone satisfied?

We'll do.

Very good.

What else is there?

I think, gentlemen, we have guaranteed the peace

and freedom of Europe for, uh,

forever. Forever.

Forever.

Ever. Ever.

May I say, Ambassador, that with

this historic redrafting of the

European borders,

you are really spoiling us.

These, on the other hand, are revolting.

And so, with lightened hearts but heavy irony, the

treaty was signed.