Transitioning at 13: A Personal Story of Shame and Seeking Acceptance

I just wanted to have a livable life. I just wanted to have a normal life.

Being normal was really big for me when I was, you know, 12, 13, as it is for all of us.

And they, they'd sold me on the idea that if I did this, I would just fly under the radar, you pass as a woman, you can find a husband and live a normal life.

Um, so I was just hoping that transition would give me that, and, and it, it did not.

I didn't quite understand initially when I was young what I was getting in trouble for. Uh, some of my earliest memories unfortunately were, um, like my brother teasing me.

Like the F slur was being used against me by like my brother and my grandfather and, um, my stepfather.

Just the way that I carried myself was being scrutinized all the time. So I did begin to feel shame.

So I got the, I guess you could call it a referral from my tutor to go see her doctors.

Um, and it was at a very prestigious hospital in my state.

And the very first appointment I had with the gender therapist, she, um...

I essentially told her my life story and, you know, what I was struggling with, and she just affirmed everything that I was telling her.

They played off of my shame and my insecurities and led me into the belief that the only solution was medical transition.

So my mother had asked him straight up, like, "Well, how do we know that Johnny isn't just gay?"

And he had rolled over a whiteboard. So he explained that my brain feminized but my body masculinized, so therefore I could not be gay, and because of that, transitioning is the only way I will ever be comfortable with myself or be able to be accepted. Of course, when my doctor had told my mom that I had like

a feminized brain in the wrong body literally, my uncle had found some studies that he thought had substantiated that, which made more sense to them than me just being gay.

So they were like, "Oh, you're not just a dude that likes dudes.

You have a weird woman brain thing, and, and that's more acceptable to us, so we're gonna encourage you to go through this process of transitioning, and then you're just basically heterosexual." So they, the gender therapist gave my mom one of her business cards, and it had a little sticky note on the

back of it. Um, and they referred us to just a store that they said was a store that supports trans people.

We thought it was gonna be like cloth, like padding, like bra stuffers, and like, it was not that.

They led us around a corner, and around this corner it was then like all sex toys.

We saw like a full body skin suit that looked like a naked woman.

At first, I didn't have a context for this stuff, 'cause I was 13, so I'd never seen a sex toy or anything like that before.

And there were other female employees in there trying to help my mom feel more comfortable. They were encouraging her to feel like she was supporting me in some way, essentially, trying to normalize this experience.

I, I was shocked of course. I had no context really for any of this.

My mom looked horrified and I think just didn't really know what to do.

You know, her custody had already been threatened.

She's now put on the spot at this weird place.

I, I find myself asking all these years later, you know, why does a children's hospital have a connection to a sex shop?

So I was medically transitioned at 13, and I did pass for a few years, and I was pretty, and it still didn't make my life any better like, like so many people claim that it would. They say, "Well, if you transition young and you pass,

your life is gonna be just fine. It's great, and that's the end of the story."

But it's, it's, that's really not how it works. So in the beginning when I first started, you know, having these doubts and asking questions, I felt like I was the only one. I didn't really realize that there were other people out there that had these experiences.

Um, so I was... Honestly, I was a little afraid to reach out.

Um, but you know, the ladies seemed very nice, um, so I did, and, and I'm so, so thankful that I did.

Um, because within these spaces, um, it, it was just that kind of like group support that, that I didn't really experience within the, the, within the trans community. People were asking questions and really trying to get to know me, and they really wanted to understand me and understand where I'm coming from.

Um, it wasn't just like a affirmation only.

So to someone questioning their transition or someone who might feel like they've made a mistake and doesn't know where to turn, I would say that first of all, you're not alone. The Beyond Trans groups are wonderful, 'cause they sh- show you that through this group support setting that there is life

after this. You know, you're not defined by this one horrific experience that you went through.

It's, it was the best thing that I ever did.

I would not be where I was today if I did not just send that email.