Discussion on Racial Fetishization in Dating

D-d-d-d-don't get ahead of yourself.

If a guy seems too good to be true, he probably is.

Let me see what I can dig up.

Dig up? Like you're gonna find dirt on him?

I'm a corporate lawyer. I search and destroy for a living.

Have you seen Jeff Bezos' standup?

No.

And you never will. But if there's incriminating material on Nate

out

there, I will find it.

Hmm.

Ooh. Huh. Okay, I'm in.

What is this?

Facebook. You don't know what that is?

I was born in 1999. Anything before Skibidi Toilet

is basically

just cave paintings to me.

Oh, geez.

That's a lot of Asian girls.

So he knows some Asian girls. So what?

Hate to break it to you, Nate has an Asian fetish.

He's from Irvine. It's racist to not know Asian people if

you're from Irvine. Every time a non-Asian dude

is interested in an

Asian girl, everyone thinks it's a fetish. It's so annoying.

Why is it so hard to believe he's into me for who I am: a very

hot person.

Traveled internationally.

Oh, yeah. Went to Asia once.

No way. Where?

Portugal.

That's absolutely in Europe.

Well, now it is. Not when I went there.

See? He doesn't have an Asian fetish. He's just stupid.

Stop being happy about that. One last question:

who's your favorite Charlie's

Angel?

Kristen Stewart.

No, not the new version, the old one.

Oh, Farrah Fawcett.

No, the reboot.

Minka Kelly?

Goddammit, why are there so many Charlie's Angels?

The one with Lucy Liu.

Ah. Yeah, I didn't see that one, but I loved her in Kill Bill.

I was so into her in middle school.

He had a crush on Lucy Liu. Classic yellow fever.

So he got hornt for one Asian person in middle school.

Also, everyone had a crush on Lucy Liu. I had a crush on Lucy Liu.

I still do. It's like everyone's crush on Anderson

Cooper.

It means nothing.

We're gonna have to run this up the flagpole.

There's only one way to know for sure if a guy has an Asian fetish.

How?

All rise. The special tribunal on Asian fetishes has

now

convened. Chrissy Teigen, Chloe Kim, Margaret Cho,

Padma Lakshmi, and Rina Sawayama presiding.

Your Honor, I believe my sister is dating a man with an Asian fetish.

On what grounds? Do you have any evidence?

Is this guy a weeb? Has he ever said the word waifu in your

presence?

Does he own a body pillow with a cat girl on it?

A body pillow? He's a normal straight man. He doesn't even own sheets.

We've all seen the evidence, the numerous female Asian friends.

Your Honor, I'd like to call a surprise witness in a

way that causes a murmur to

ripple through the courtroom.

Proceed.

Esteemed tribunal, I call Nate's former roommate,

Doug.

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's Doug.

Hey there, I'm Doug.

Doug, has Nate dated any of these women, and if so, could you identify

them for us?

Yeah, he dated three of them. That's Jenny Lee, Esther Choi, and Serena

Chang.

Oh my God. Did you have them all in a row?

Are they all Korean?

As we all know, two is a coincidence, three is a pattern, and four is a

fetish.

What's five?

Five is jail.

Wait, Jenny is half Irish, half Korean, which means

that dating me puts Nate at three and a half Asian women,

under the limit for a fetish.

Uh, the Kristen Kreuk Statute of 2002 reads as

follows: halfies count as wholies.

Okay, so he dated four Asian women.

That could be, like, random, right?

It could be. Let's do the math. The US is

7.3% Asian, so if we give Nate a gimme on his first

Asian girlfriend,

the odds of him dating three in a row are, ooh,

.04%.

What's going on here?

We're doing math about race.

And that's so important.

Carry on.

I'm sorry, but to convict him, we need proof beyond a reasonable doubt.

Due to a lack of evidence, we hereby rule this case

inconclusive.

Yeah.

Next case. Guilty.

Aha. See? I won. Nate doesn't have a fetish.

No, they said they didn't have enough evidence

to prove it.

You can deny it all you want, but you know I'm right.

You're not always right about men. You dated Pete Buttigieg in college.

I still think it's just a phase.

Ugh, this always happens. Every guy I'm ever interested in,

you find a problem with. "Oh, this one has an Asian

fetish. This one's wife went missing under

mysterious

circumstances. This one is Machine Gun Kelly." Just be

happy for me.

Ooh, wanna try that new Vietnamese place for

dinner?

No. Why would you suggest that?

Or we could do Italian?

Sure.

This menu doesn't make any sense. Is antipasta the opposite of pasta?

And what is the opposite of pasta? Chocolate?

Why did you start dating me?

Uh, because you're cute and really unpredictable, so I'm always

kinda surprised by you, but in a, like, horny way.

That's it?

And I feel like I can trust you, which is kinda scary, to be

honest, 'cause

I think it means I like you.

I think I like you, too.

I'm gonna take a shower before dinner.

I saw a TikTok that finally made me realize I should wash my butt.

Oh. Ooh.

Why are you going through my phone?

Oh, this? I thought it was a book, so I was trying to

burn it.

What were you looking for, my dick pics? I sent you the best ones.

I'm sorry, but after we had dinner with Ruthie,

I thought you might have an Asian

fetish. I just needed to be sure.

Well, I don't have an Asian fetish or any fetish.

Yes, I once had a sex dream about Count

Chocula, but I

didn't like it. You said you trusted me, but clearly you

don't. If you really wanna look through my phone,

look.

The password is 696969.

Here, let's be even. Look through my phone. Don't actually.

I think you should go.

Look, I'm really, really, really sorry.

But as an Asian woman dating a white guy, there's always part of me that worries

I'm being fetishized, and I don't wanna be fetishized for my

race.

I only wanna be fetishized for my perfect tits.

I'm not dating you because you're Asian.

I mean, yeah, I've dated a few Asian girls,

but none of them were like

you.

What do you mean?

I mean, you're not like the others. You're different.

You speak your mind, but you're not, like, you know, bossy or whatever.

Not like the others? Nate, being some exception is just

as bad as being fetishized. Wait. Yeah, it's complicated,

but I mean it.

No, I just mean that I can bring you home to

my parents without worrying that

you'll be all quiet and mousy or some crazy dragon lady like your

sister.

Hey, I am not better than Ruthie. I'm worse in almost every

way according to most people who have met us.

I was wrong to think you were different. Goodbye, Nate.

Wow. Should I examine how my whiteness has

affected how I interact with the

world?

Nah, too hard. I'm gonna get high and watch how balloons are made.