Michael Caine's Restaurant Story

This is one of Michael Caine's stories, actually.

And, uh, there's a lot of Italian restaurants in

London,

and, um,

Cockney went in there one night

into, you know Mario and Franco's.

They've got a-- Mario and Franco have got a chain of restaurants

in,

in London, eh?

And, uh, this guy sat down,

and he said, uh, "Oi,

Franco, veni qui."

So Franco came as he said, "Yes. So what the, what the..." You know?

He said, "I want a large plate of spaghetti

vongole-

... and a large double scotch, right?"

He said, "Look, I'm sorry, I got no, uh, dispensation for the scotch whiskey.

I'm sorry." "We only got here the vino. You can only have the vino.

If you want the vino, it's all right, uh, but I got no s- possibility for the

scotch whiskey. I'm sorry."

He said, "No, listen. I can't drink that stuff."

"I can't drink wine, see?"

"And the reason I can't drink it, I'll tell ya. It's a bit delicate.

I need a, a...

Well, see, I'm going out with this bird."

"And if I'm on the scotch, well, it makes me nice and lively all night."

"And if I'm on the vino, it's, uh, it's all down the larkin', isn't it?

I mean, you know."

"Nothing happens."

So he said, "I'm sorry." He say, "It's not possible for me.

I got no, you know, I can't do it. Look, I'd do it for you if it's possible.

I can't do it. You... Look, if you don't like this vino,

you don't pay for it.

I can't say more." He said, "All right, then I'll have it.

I'll have it."

So he tried this wine. He had two glasses, and knocked him sideways.

And he was very, very sloshed, you know?

He said, "Oi, Fra-- here, Franco."

"Veni, veni qui. Here,

what you got here? What was in that stuff? What was in that?

What was in that, that wine?" He said, "Look, I tell you something

that nobody knows."

"Shut the windows and the doors because I tell you something

not nobody knows this thing, what I'm s- gonna tell you now."

"The pope-"

"...

drinks two bottles the same wine every day from

his life."

He says, "The pope what?"

He says, "The pope, the pope, the

pope drinks due bottiglia, two bottles,

this same vino every day from his life." He says,

"No wonder he's got them four fellas carrying him around, eh?"