Dating App Frustrations and Expectations

You know, I get, like, I get wet when you just tell me who you are.

Like, don't be pretentious. I'm sorry.

I dear friend Amanda out there, when she says, like,

you need to just, we'd be in fucking Paris,

be like, you just need to fucking, like,

come and say hi to this guy right now.

So fun.

And yeah, and then it totally pays off.

And I'm like, yeah, I need to do that more often, honestly.

Because the apps are just horrible.

Oh, it's hard.

No, it's not hard. It's a fucking, it's a clown show.

I'm sorry, guys, but please, like,

no, no.

Like, I, like, honestly, not because I want to date you,

but because I want to help you.

No burning man photos.

No photos of you with other women.

Like, I don't care.

I don't want to know that you have girlfriends.

And I don't want you shooting a fucking selfie in your closet

of your hand in a jean pocket.

I don't. I'm sorry.

I don't want to see you looking at yourself in a mirror that way.

It makes my vagina close.

I just can't.

And don't tell me you're a CEO because you're not.

Like, I'm sorry. Of what?

Of some business you can't explain to me

that none of my friends can understand?

Like, no.

And then, no, you don't live in this apartment if you're,

no, you do not have a business.

Stop.

You're a fucking joke.