Humorous Dialogue and Relationships

Look. Oh, my God.

What? Nothing. This J.Crew catalog.

Who brings two golden retrievers in a canoe?

We got it, Paul Barney! Way ahead of you.

Hey, guys, what's the big emergency?

Oh, and be the W, I am never speaking to Ted again.

Really? Never? Not even if,

say, butterflies flew out of his ass?

Ted, can you grab me the fondue pot?

Oh. He has no idea.

Mm-hmm, and up we go.

Thank you. What?

Ted, I came here this morning because...

I want to apologize.

Apology accepted, Barney.

As you can see, I do just fine on my own.

I don't need a babysitter.

You see, all this time, I thought you needed a wingman to fly,

but the truth is, you...

You've got your own wings now.

Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating.

Growing in your cocoon.

And last night, you burst out of that cocoon like a majestic...

Ah... Garsh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon?

I was always bad at science.

He's gonna say it.

A butterfly? -...butterfly.

What? -...butterfly. Nothing, buddy.

Ow! Why did that hurt so much?

Oh, shoot. Oh, my God!

I have a tattoo!

Oh, that's not a tattoo.

That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.

A tramp stamp. You know, a ho-tag.

Ass antlers. A Panama City license plate.

And suddenly, it all came back to me.

Derry! Legendary!

Man, I am so winning this breakup.

I just broke up with my boyfriend, Steve.

He was totally annoying.

He was like, I think you're the one.

I want to marry you. What a wuss.

Do you think exes can be friends?

Yeah, sure. I mean, we're still friends, right, Steve?

Hey, your name is Steve.

And her ex-boyfriend's name is Steve.

What are the odds of that...

Wait.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, yeah, that'll get it out.

Maybe you should try club soda.

God, it really hurts. I need, like, some ointment or something.

What's this?

Spanish massage oil.

Spanish massage oil?

What happened here last night?

Last night got weird.

You don't know who I am.

I don't know who you are.

And in reality, who knows that we are both.

I... Don't feel the emotions release.

I think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade.

You're beautiful.

I am beautiful.

Experience your food.

Try the mango.

Okay, that's enough of the food.

We're sorry, Ted. It'll never happen again.

It meant nothing to us.

It just felt really, really, really good.

I can't even look at you two right now.

He got a tramp stamp.

All right.

First of all, this isn't one of those

I came all the way over here because I want you back things.

There'll be no startling confession of love.

No sweet indie rock song that swells up just as we're about to kiss.

None of that crap. Got it? Okay. Good.

Now, here's the thing.

It sucks that you came back from Argentina

with someone as awesome as Gael.

And I know I have no right to be upset at you,

we're broken up, life goes on, whatever.

But you know what? We never did this.

We had this polite breakup,

with no irrational yelling, and that's just wrong.

So I'm gonna yell irrationally for a little while,

and you're just gonna have to stand there and deal with it, okay?

If you feel like you need to do that, then...

I think I do.

I really think I do.

So now, I'm yelling!

You shaved. I did!

I liked the beard.

I liked it too, but it was getting kinda hot.

Maybe in the winter, I'll grow it back out!

Okay, I'm done.

I know it was weird showing up with Gael.

I'm sorry.

Look, us breaking up, it was the right thing.

But it took some time to get over you, you know?

I'm still getting over you.

But you, you were over it the minute they started the in-flight movie.

Over it?

My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out.

I missed you so much.

I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am,

but the truth is, it was really lonely.

And that's why Gael happened.

You weren't trying to win the breakup?

I was trying to survive it.

Okay.

No. See, look, that all sounds good,

and we'll still be friends and move on, but...

Did he have to be so hot?

The guy's an Adonis.

He's not an Adonis.

He's the Cadillac of rebound guys.

Marshall has a crush on him.

The guy's perfect. He's not perfect.

Oh, come on. He's hot.

He windsurfs. He massages things.

Name one way I'm better than that guy.

You're bigger.

Don't patronize me.

If anything, he may even be a little bit taller.

No.

Taz, you're bigger.

I win!

Kids, I can't remember exactly what helped me

get through the whole Rob and Gael incident.

I'm sure that it was something profound and meaningful,

and not at all macho and petty.

But after that, I was back on my feet.

And what followed was a new era in my life.

A crazy time unlike anything that came before.

It's funny looking back at those days,

knowing now exactly what I was heading towards,

and what was heading towards me.