All Things Scottish: Stuart Meets a Scottish Therapist

Welcome to All Things Scottish. Our slogan is, "If it's no Scottish, it's crap!"

Can I help you? Yes, I'd like to get a couple of those earthenware Scottie dogs.

All right then. Very well, sir. We have three sizes: wee, not so wee, and freaking huge.

Uh, I'll take a freaking huge. All righty. Good choice. That's $7 please.

There you go. Magic. Thanks. There you go.

Just keep the change. Thank you. Yeah. All right.

Welcome to All Things Scottish. If it's no Scottish, it's crap.

Can I help you? Yeah. Hi there. I have a friend, it just so happens he's gay.

N- no big deal. Uh, anyway, I thought it might be funny if, uh, I got him one of those, uh, little s- uh, dresses, uh, that Scotsmen wear. You know, like a little dress.

Scotch dresses. Well, then, you've come to the right store.

I'll just come over and I'll size you up.

All righty. Yes. Ah! Oh, God. Oh, God. Now, get out! Get out, Mr. Assume- ... An Entire Nation's Sexual Orientation From ... An Entire Nation's Sexual Orientation From Its National Costume.

Get out! You're crazy. Get out of here, and your bike.

Welcome to All Things Scottish. If it's not Scottish, it's crap.

Can I help you? No, son, but I can help you.

Who are you? I'm Phil McCracken, Scottish therapist.

He's Phil McCracken, Scottish therapist.

If you've got Scottish issues, he's your shrink.

So see Phil McCracken to fill those cracks in.

But if he doesn't help you, go have a drink.

Stuart, uh, you've got what traditional therapists call anger, but what we Scottish therapists call anger.

Now, in Scotland, throwing your best friend through a plate glass window over a simple misunderstanding is quite normal. Well, it's almost polite.

But in America, even a simple bludgeoning is considered inappropriate, crazy as that may seem. Now, Stuart, I can help you.

But how, Scottish doctor? Well, let's start with a little word association, all right?

Mother. Head butt. Father. Kick in the groonies.

Sister. Smash a bottle in the face. Brother.

Seagulls. Seagulls? Hey, well, let's explore that for a moment.

All righty, uh, my brother used to tie bricks around the legs of seagulls and throw them in the harbor.

All you'd see is these bubbles coming to the surface with the odd feather.

It's terrible, but you've got to admit it's quite funny.

Aye. Yeah. Aye, it is. Aye, that's funny. All right, well, uh, that exercise is over. Right, let's move on to ink blots.

All righty. All right, this reminds me of the time I saw my dad in a pub in Aberdeen.

I was 14. He was kissing this lady who wasn't my mummy.

I was hu- humiliated, and I wondered, "How could he do this to my mummy, my sweet mummy? My daddy's a monster.

Why did God make my daddy a monster?" Makes me angry.

Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts. Okay, well, that was a bit of a dead end.

You see, it's trash or treasure in my profession.

Right, let's move on to our final exercise.

It's called the Scotch treatment. Now, the Scotch treatment basically consists of getting piss drunk.

Here we go. All right, start drinking. Well, twist my arm. If I must, in the name of science.

I could walk 500 miles. I could walk 500 miles.

I could walk 500 miles. I could walk 500 miles.

I love you. I love you. It's you I love, you bastard.

Who are you calling bastard, bastard? I love you.

Oh. Oh, my God. I'm gonna be sick. I still love you.

Oh. Doctor, am I ever gonna get better? Am I ever gonna get rid of my anger?

Ach, who cares? You're piss drunk, aren't you?

Fair enough. And besides, be proud, man. You're Scottish, man. Oh, aye, and you have mother issues and abandonment anxiety with mild delusions of grandeur, but that's neither here nor there. Just remember, you're Scottish. Let's go get pissed.

Thank you, Doctor. I love you. I love you.

Oh. He's Phil McCracken, Scottish therapist.