A Fictional Vaccine Plot to Stop Human Reproduction

Your father

created a world-changing, not

world-ending, a world-changing, world-improving

omnivirus.

And we have taken that virus and embedded it in the vaccine of this

darn

flu.

I knew it.

I knew it.

You created a panic, and now everybody's begging for the

vaccine.

No, no, no. D- demanding it with all the entitlement of a

first world

country.

Yes.

And now we have exactly what we want.

Hundreds of millions of Americans lining up, offering us their arms,

and letting us give them our creation.

I'm pretty sure when every vaccinated person starts dying,

they'll trace it back to

you, undetectable virus or not.

You've all been very busy, and you're all very sharp.

Are you sure none of you would like to come and work for me?

No?

Then understand this:

what we are doing is far bigger than death.

Wait. This virus is not deadly?

It looks pretty damn deadly.

Tell me this:

what have you done today to earn your place in this crowded world?

Exactly.

Everything I do is a cure for our current situation.

Wait, how is it a cure if-

You're killing people.

I told you, it does not kill. That was the amazing epiphany

we had. We didn't have to kill to accomplish our

goal.

Which is what?

We intend to stop human reproduction for

three generations.

The busy, endless, global assembly line of babies

will grind to a halt.

You're sterilizing people?

Uh-huh.

In the first five years, we'll start to see major birth rate

declines as teenagers

vaccinated today hit their childbearing years.

You're controlling the future of human civilization.

Is that what they're calling it? It's a very nice euphemism for a species

that has

replicated like a contagion across the planet, killing all other species in its

wake, except things that are cute, like puppies or

koalas.

Pandas.

Never in history has there been a creature begging for extinction more than the

fucking panda.

Except us.

You hate people that much?

On the contrary, I love people.

Then how? Why would you-

Doing what our government or citizenry is too spoiled or self-indulgent to do.

We are saving ourselves from ourselves.

Halting overpopulation.

100 years ago, the global population was 1.7

billion. 2011, it reached...

7 billion.

People live too long, die less often, fuck too much, shit out

babies like-

In 2050, they say it's gonna plateau.

Mm, mm, mm.

We'll blow past 11 billion and then slowly begin to

decline.

But by then, it'll be too late to save an earth

that bears any resemblance to a

world we actually wanna live in.

This planet,

I love this planet.

So I decided to take care of the problem.

Yeah.

By injecting your virus into the veins of every human on it?

Global warming, mass extinctions, food, water shortages,

all these problems can be boiled down to one thing:

overpopulation.

It's not as simple as that.

But it is. At 1.7 billion, we can be as decadent,

self-indulgent, and shitty as we want.

At 10 billion, we have to live strategically.

We have to live modestly. We have to live selflessly.

And as you know, we're not that good at it.

And you're beta testing it on Americans since we're the worst.

If we don't do something now, right now, in a decade, our world

will experience extraordinary privations, a war of all against

all.

Water. We'll go to war over water, and the people who will die first

are the ones without power and money.

And by then, we'll be fighting over a world

that really isn't worth fighting for.

Y- you can't just decide people won't have

babies because-

I can, and I did