Trump’s Ukraine Peace Plan: A Satirical Speech

Great job. Great job. It is a great honor- ... for you to hear me tell you about the latest war I've ended.

I'm stopping wars everywhere. Seven since I began this speech.

Including the War of the Roses. The War of the Worlds.

War for Planet of the Apes. War Horse. World War Z. Star Wars.

And the Civil War in America. I'm working on that one at the moment.

The latest one was in Ukraine. Ukraine.

And I said to President Zelensky, not a very nice person, not a grateful person- ... not a great guy.

I said, "Guess how I'm gonna end this war?"

And he said, "I give up." And I said, "Absolutely right."

So here's the latest peace deal, which was dictated to me by President Putin.

He's a great dictator. I love dictators. Fact.

So one, Russia to keep all captured territory, including the White House.

Two, free and fair elections in Ukraine, whereby Vlad the Loserski is replaced by a more suitable president who wears a suit, i.e. Vladimir Putin.

Three, Chicken Kiev- ... to be renamed Chicken Moscow.

Four, Donbass to be renamed Don Trump. Five, Ukrainian army to be halved, soldiers' legs removed from their bodies.

Great job. Six, 500,000 peacekeeping Russian troops to be dispatched to Ukraine to monitor the ceasefire.

Seven, President Trump to be guaranteed security of Ukraine's precious minerals, i.e. dilithium- ... kryptonite- ... and madeupium.

Eight, Russia to be found innocent of all war crimes that they didn't commit and all the ones they are about to not commit.

Nine, Nigel Farage to be made King of the United Kingdom.

And ten, President Trump to be awarded the Nobel Appease Prize.

Thank you very much for your attention. Thank you, Donald Trump.