Comedic Performance Highlights

Is that meat ready? Who's your daddy?

Rubbing the meat for 30 minutes.

At that point, if nothing happens,

you realize that pretty much you've been dead for a few days.

If you go to France, there is no Siri,

because maybe they have their own. They have Sherry.

You go, Sherry, where's the nearest good restaurant?

It's Paris, you idiot.

They're everywhere. Put down your digital device.

Go outside and live your life, you American a**hole.

It's always weird, too, when you play online and you get owned by a 10-year-old.

You're my bitch.

Hey, old man, I own your a**.

I don't know, you're very sporty, very stylish, and this,

what is the deal with that?

No, Dave, I say if you can't wear one color, wear them all.

The lovely tie from the DNA collection.

When I walk into a store, they go,

get the weird stuff.

Get the inflatable pants.

My English is better today.

I am happy to be here with the man they raised so much money for.

It's great to see you wear a tie that could have been a couch. Thank

you. Thank

you. I love you,

Tom. Tom, I love you.

Raymond, you like Tom? Yeah.

You're a good friend. Yeah. Tom Cruise. Yeah. A lot of awards. Yeah. 304

votes. Yeah.

Got his own awards. Yeah. Yeah.

Get down, get funky. Whoa.

Get back up again.

I just want to ask one favor.

Can you give me a hug or I'll give you one or something similar?

Isn't that just great?

Just a hug, please. Just one.

Oh, pop goes the weasel.

Mr. Sinatra, can I just shake your hand? Why's

that? Marlene, sell my clothes. I'm going to heaven.

Oh, wow.

I'm so happy to be here I could drop a log.

Let's see what we brought for you. A little goody bag. Hold on one second.

Got to open this thing. Hey, wouldn't this be great in an emergency? I can't help you.

Wait, Michael Jackson. Oh, no.

Yeah. Oh, wait. Oh, we got another thing in here. Oh, some sperm from David Crosby.

Okay, let's put it down for a moment. Oh, wait. And one of Cher's ribs. Whatever

you want to do.

When I was 18 at college, I was basically, I had more semen than the Fifth Fleet.

Reminder that one drink you can end up in a field with a small animal.

Maybe the sheep is going...

Fine, at least I got a sweater. Shut

up. I must ask you, this might be too personal, but... Eight inches.

I had waxing for a movie, and they had two girls waxing me.

And at one point they went, do you mind if we take a break?

It was my first year, I was in the 80s, and I said, Sir Lawrence, it's an honor to meet you.

He went, are you wearing makeup? I went, yes, sir, I am. Don't, it makes you look effeminate.

Hey, Larry, how's Danny Kay?

He's like, well...

This is a stage for a musical!

It's a David Letterman!

David Letterman!

David, David, David Letterman, turn with me! Gonna feel it now!

When she threw it out in the freeway, she didn't land in some toxic dump, you know?

Oh, some peach throwing!

Attack of the hundred-foot penis!

Where's it heading? The Holland Tunnel!

Bob, I want to congratulate you on the new look, the Saddam Hussein mission thing you've got going on.

Also, Marty, nice going, don't put on the glasses. Now let's see the caterpillars, bring them out.

Don't they look like two caterpillars trying to mate? Like, come on, we can do this.

Come on, do this, don't be afraid, move on, move on, move on.

Are you okay?

Baby Jesus loves you!

Baby Jesus loves you!

I know you believe!

You believe in the power! Come on, I'll lay my hands on you, but first I'm going to do this.

A snake walks into the room. I'm back, watch out, Denmark.

Mother, come here, I love you, big kiss for you. Sorry, you're dead.

Look over here, I'm going to do another speech, but first I'm going to tear through a wall and flex my nipples.

Don't be afraid of me.

Don't be afraid. And I would guess you must be worshipped as a god there.

Oh yes, come little furry boy, stay.

Bring me monkey comedian.

You have more hair than anyone ever.

You wear look.