Donald Trump Joins The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship Parody

Hey kid, get off this cart. I'm not a kid, I'm a hobbit. Whatever, doesn't matter.

You, old man, drive me to the town. What kind of party is this?

It's my 111th birthday. Congratulations, little man. You've aged well.

Are you two out of your minds pulling a stunt like this?

Dear Bagginses and Boffins, welcome to my 111th birthday.

Excuse me, Bilbo, this place is incredible.

The Shire is so cool, the best, and the hospitality, tremendous.

The friendliest people. We're gonna make The Shire great again.

What is going on here? Frodo, take the ring in your hand.

I'll take that ring, old man. Are you Frodo, you fool?

Okay, okay, relax.

Strange markings are appearing on the ring.

You can't even read that. Gandalf, explain this nonsense.

This is the One Ring, forged by the Dark Lord.

It holds the power to control Middle-earth.

Gandalf, what do we do now? Can I have the ring?

I'm the best, believe me. Ha, never. Like the old man said, you two are going to that one tavern now.

I forget the name. The Prancing Pony? Yeah, maybe. I don't care.

If I take one more step, I'll be further from home than I've ever been.

Don't be such a weakling, Sam. Push forward, like me.

We have to go. The farmer is right behind us.

What? Let's go. Run. Believe me, it'll be tremendous.

You're a total loser, Nazgul. The worst.

Get out of here, you're fired. Hobbits, run. Run like hell.

Y- Hey you, make way. It's freezing out here and we're all soaked.

What are you staring at everyone for? Are you a stalker or something?

Fuck. Listen, you homeless loser, you leave Frodo alone immediately.

He's under my protection. You have nothing to fear from me.

I hope so for you, because messing with me is no joke.

The Nazgul are the Ringwraiths, servants of Sauron, neither living nor dead.

What a bunch of nonsense. Those guys are total losers.

I've had enough of waiting for Gandalf. I'm gonna get the old man myself.

Are you kidding me, sipping wine while everyone's waiting? Hurry up.

Trump, go back. I'll come when I'm ready.

Sauron, it's Donald. I'm making Middle Earth great again, believe me.

You're fired. Where are we even going? Shouldn't we wait for Mr. Donald and Gandalf?

Why should we wait? Trump will find the way.

We know what he's like. He would say... Believe me, it will be tremendous.

I am the best pathfinder. Tremendous pathfinder.

The best. Nobody better. Nobody knows forests like I do.

Huge. You weaklings will clear the cellar so we can breed the Orthanc hooligans.

Immediately, master. And don't forget to pack in the steroids.

Yes, my master. They shouldn't end up as scrawny as you.

Uh, what?

Tremendous. I'm here to save the hobbits. The best.

Get out of here, you low energy Nazgul. You're fired.

Get out. Tremendous kick. Nobody kicks like me. You call that a sword? Pathetic.

Get out of my ruins, you sad hooded guys.

Tremendous wind coming.

You're fired. We have to move fast. We were going to Rivendell.

Good idea. I'll find the way. I'm a tremendous pathfinder.

Wake up, Frodo. This is a disaster, believe me.

Oh. Stop whining. I know wounds. The best wounds.

Gandalf, where have you been? I had a bit too much wine and woke up on the roof of Orthanc.

Gandalf, I told you to stop and come with me.

Oh, leave me alone. Elrond, Saruman has betrayed us.

He's breeding orc hooligans to seize the ring.

Then the ring cannot remain here. This is an impressive place, believe me.

Come on, Frodo, the meeting with Agent Smith is about to start. Agent Smith? Very well.

The ring is not safe here. It must be taken back to Mordor and destroyed in Mount Doom.

One of you must do this. This ring is a gift.

It would be utterly foolish to destroy it willingly.

Ned Stark, shut your mouth. Swing your ass back to your chair.

My name is Boromir. Who are you? Doesn't matter. Sit down.

Nine companions. Elrond, are you too dumb to count?

There are 10. So be it. You shall be the fellow- Winter is coming, but not for me.

Ned Stark, you shouldn't always be thinking about stealing this ring.

Gandalf, it's fucking cold out here. We should take the Dead Mines.

Yes, the Dead Mines. You will capture the halflings for me, and if you succeed, you can make Trump pay for that kick in the arse.

Uh, yes.

Gandalf, didn't do your pre-quest, did you?

Melon. Take this dumb Chamber of Secrets door.

I will shed some light on this. We must face the long darkness of the Dead Mines.

Be careful. There are worse things here than orcs.

Boo. That was not funny. We must be cautious.

Orcs could be nearby.

Gandalf, down there, a disgusting, ugly creature is following us.

That is Gollum, but this little weirdo should not concern us further.

Not concern us? It's disgusting. Wow, this place looks like a group got wiped here.

I need a break. Get out of here. Wow, that was pretty loud.

Oh, this is not good. Not good at all. What have you done, you fool?

We must run now. What's the problem? It's just a hole.

We can all thank Trump for waking the Balrog.

What the hell is a Balrog? This is a Balrog.

Oh, shit. Gandalf, I have a tremendous idea.

Okay, I will try. Go, Pippin. Trump, this is a shitty spell.

Why did I even listen to Trump? I find this amusing.

It's usually the best spell. Anyway, the old man will figure something out.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

No. I'll be back.

Gandalf. Wait up. Can't you see I'm taking a leak? Do not shout.

There is an elven witch in this forest. Whatever. What are the elves gonna do?

They're losers.

How dare these pointy-eared tree huggers aim at us for no reason?

Where is the old man? I can't see him. Why is everyone looking at me?

He has fallen unnecessarily into the Dead Mines, into the shadows.

I had nothing to do with the old man wanting to fight the Balrog.

A lament for Gandalf is ad. Yes, very sad about the old man, but also very sad if I have to die of thirst here.

It's empty. Frodo, do you wish to look into the mirror?

You will see what was, what is, and what may yet be.

Hey, Galadriel, is there any water here? I'm about to die of thirst. Silence.

All right, Frodo. Let's take a look in the pensive.

Get in there.

Whoa, that was some crazy shit. I want a cool gift, too.

But I have nothing for you. That's exactly why your show, Rings of Power, is total garbage.

Behold, the Pillars of the Kings. They should make one of those statues of me.

Must you comment on everything? Yes. This journey is a disaster.

Believe me, I need a break. A tremendous break.

This is too much. Aragorn, where are Frodo and Boromir?

It's Ned Stark. He's trying to steal the ring again.

I'm going to find him now.

Frodo, you old shrimp, there you are. Everyone's been looking for you.

Boromir tried to take the ring. I knew he was up to no good.

Weak. Here, let me help you up. No, stay back.

You two also want the ring for yourselves.

Why are you talking such shit? Aragorn and I would never take the ring from you.

Never.

The fucking orc hooligans are here. Don't worry, they're losers.

We'll win big. Come on, you orc hooligans, I'm not afraid.

Aragorn, move your ass.

I'm doing all the work here. You're weak. Pathetic.

Keep fighting.

You fight like losers. Tremendous, we're winning bigly. Uh, Boromir needs help.

I will save Ned Stark.

Get out of my way, you orc. Nobody messes with Trump.

You're finished, orc. Nobody beats me.

Boom, you're done. Pathetic. Well, well, look who it is.

I knew you'd go down. You always do. Frodo, were you really going to sneak off to Mordor without me and Sam?

That's weak. Pathetic. You want Mordor, swim there yourself.

Enjoy the swim, loser. Frodo, Sam, and Trump have gone on alone, but we will rescue the two hobbits from the orcs.

I fear Trump will join us anyway. It will be tremendous.

Is that Mordor back there? That's the ass end of the world.

The way there is really shitty, but I guess we have to go through it.