Stand-up Comedy Routine on Conspiracy Theories

There's your audience. I'm gonna turn you loose on them.

Uh, do I need to get anything for you? Do you want a bigger chair?

What do you want?

Well, I'm taking that over there 'cause I gotta

put this on.

She's so cute.

Well, let's bring it on stage then. Let's do it.

Awesome.

So-

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Okay.

Woo!

You want us to--

Do you want a bigger chair?

Yes.

A recliner.

Okay.

I got a question.

Do you see how beautiful Roseanne looks

tonight?

Okay, that's mine.

I am so angry at this communist Chinese government.

I just have to start there.

Because they will not allow me to smoke anywhere, these

bastards. I'm sick of it.

That's how they started that communist takeover of our country,

you know,

with that you can't smoke.

That is the truth.

Amen.

And they told everybody it was for their health, which is

BS.

They go like, "Oh, you're gonna get secondhand smoke

and get cancer

and everything," and then they're serving you like fried

fetuses from Bill Gates' lab.

Frigging McDonald's.

So true.

I'm telling you.

Nothing makes any sense, does it? No.

Does anything make sense to any of you people here tonight? No.

Well, I know you're the conspiracy theory sorts.

Is that what they're calling us?

Woo!

Yeah.

Well, you can't even tell what's true by reading

the news anymore.

I don't know if we're getting invaded by Nephilim from other

planets or-

... tall whites from Antarctica.

I don't know what the hell's true.

I just don't know anymore.

But greetings, earthlings.

Humans, clones, spirits, spies,

Nephilims, watchers in the vapors,

animals,

all intelligent life forms, and the

press.

Hey, now.

I was told there was many press people here tonight, but

is there?

Yep.

There are people from the news media-