What If All Your Farts Came Out at Once

What if every fart you've ever done came out at once?

Let's do the math. You fart about fourteen times a day.

By age twenty-five, that's a hundred and twenty-eight thousand farts.

About nine thousand liters of gas. That's two elevators, completely full.

Now you sit down and all of it leaves in one second through an exit about the size of a quarter.

That's twenty kilometers per second, over twenty times faster than a rifle bullet.

Your chair does not make it. It also makes more thrust than a fighter jet engine, and you only weigh about seventy kilos.

So you get two hundred and ninety G's. Fighter pilots black out at nine.

One second later, you're doing Mach eight, a mile up and still in the sitting position.

You have outrun the sound of your own fart.

With no air in the way, you'd almost reach the space station.

There is air in the way, and your exhaust is flammable, so now you're a shooting star.

Three towns over, a little kid sees you and makes a wish.

Back at home, they find a hole in the roof and the smell.

The coroner writes down natural causes, and technically, he's right.