Improving Communication with Deep Questions

We've all been in those conversations

where it feels like it's like

two ships passing in the night, right?

I'm talking about one thing,

you're talking about a different thing.

And like, even though we're talking to each other,

it doesn't actually feel like we're connected.

It doesn't feel like we're actually hearing each other.

That's usually because the what's this really about conversation,

the practical conversation just hasn't occurred.

And so the question is, how do we prompt it?

How do we make that happen?

Well, as researchers have looked at this,

they found there's a couple of different ways.

If you're a teacher, one of the things

that you learned is that if a student comes up to you

and they have something important they want to talk about,

you should start that conversation by saying,

do you want to be helped?

Do you want to be hugged?

Or do you want to be heard?

And anyone who's watching who has like a young child at home,

next time they want to talk to you,

just ask them this question.

Do you want to be helped, hugged or heard?

And what you'll find is that they know exactly what they want.

They'll tell you what they need.

Now the thing is that for those of us in professional environments,

if we go into work and we ask one of our coworkers,

do you want to be helped, hugged or heard?

It's not going to go over well. Right?

They're going to call HR.

You're not allowed to hug people or

ask if they want to hug in a workplace

setting. And so what researchers have found is

that we have to ask another kind of question,

and it's the asking of the question that is the skill

that helps us figure out what this conversation is about.

Now, not all questions are created equal, though.

Some questions are what are known as shallow questions.

They're questions just about,

how was your day?

What's going on with you?

Where'd you park this morning?

But there's another kind of question known as a deep question,

and a deep question is something that asks

about my values or my beliefs or my experiences.

But it's as simple as if you meet someone who's,

for instance, a doctor,

instead of asking them,

oh, you know, what hospital do you work at?

You can ask them,

oh, you know, what made you decide to go to medical school?

That second question,

the second question is inviting them to talk about who they are.

And so one of the most critical skills for the practical conversation,

for the what are we really talking about conversation,

to become a consistent super communicator is to ask deep questions.

And these deep questions,

they surround us all the time if we know to look for them.