Lieberman and the Haredi Draft: A Satire on Election Promises

Please, lovely. Yasher koach. Good evening, esteemed guests.

Thanks to my parents and thanks to the seven seats that got me this far.

Yasher koach, yasher koach. Thank you. Now you'll tell us the weekly Torah portion.

The portion of “and he folded.” Go ahead. All right.

Here, here. Here. There. “And on that day, Avun realized he had climbed a tree twenty cubits tall.”

“Tall.” “Tall. And you climbed down from the tree and broke your promises and gave zero percent to the employees and 100 percent to the participants.”

Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry to the audience.

Sorry to the whole audience, my voice and principles just keep changing.

Very good, Ingla, very good, Ingla. Good, well done. Yasher koach.

Now this is the haftarah, and now the exemption.

Oh, of course, yes. The exemption, please.

Thank you very much. “Clearly, I am exempt from the penalty of conscription.”

Short or long? This is simply a disgrace.

They're forming a government that will give everything to the ultra-Orthodox.

Why don't you let me give you everything?

Yes, Mr. Lieberman, that really is quite a fold.

You were the standard-bearer for calling to enlist the ultra-Orthodox.

Oh, yes, but let's tell the truth. Why answer? Let's tell the truth plainly.

They can't enlist. They can't. You know what the army is like.

You go in ultra-Orthodox, you come out secular. God forbid.

I don't know, you said otherwise before the election.

Okay, you know what elections are like. You go in secular, you come out ultra-Orthodox.

But where's Lieberman, who made zero capitulation to the ultra-Orthodox his banner?

Maybe I've changed. “They say that I am not myself, so who am I, anyway?” “Anyway.”

“Maybe I'm just some eccentric troll, You wanted change? Too bad.”

Ah, those were the days, two votes for Bel.

Today we're a quarter of first graders. How lovely. Kol hakavod.

Touching, Dad, we're saddened. Yeah, so—