Investigation into Candace Owens' Past

Candace claiming the video isn't her.

Candace reading notice the woman says common census instead of consensus.

Case closed.

Wow,

that's crazy. We're verifying her identity because she

said something wrong in the YouTube video. That's so good, dude.

It's real. Dude, you know what's funny about that?

You know what's actually hilarious?

So think about this. This is, to me, this is the best part.

So Candace Owens is leading this investigation

for over a year. She's got the biggest, hottest

show on YouTube, on Spotify. Millions of listeners.

She's deputized her listeners to help her.

You've got people in law enforcement, high-level sources, sending her emails,

sending her tips, sending her surveillance footage,

sending her screenshots and

text messages. She's been running this investigation

for over a year with virtually limitless resources at

her disposal. Deputizing an army of

thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands, to assist her in the most

high-profile assassination of the 21st century.

And some random anonymous Twitter account, who has not

posted one thing in three years, has put that entire

thing to shame with, like, the most robust,

rigorous, fact-checked, sophisticated investigation

of her lesbian past I've ever seen in my entire life.

The Candace Owens investigation of Charlie Kirk's murder with the involvement

of tens of thousands, she's been paid hundreds of thousands,

hundreds of thousands

to debate this.

W-what's even the, what's even the argument?

It's like we don't know know, but we know.

The vibes aren't vibing. Something's off.

You trust the government narrative?

So maybe it was an exploding microphone, maybe it was a directed energy weapon.

It's like a year in and this is what they got.

Okay, show your work to the class and it's like, "So it's

shaped like a menorah. That means he was a ritualistic sacrifice and we think

they ate him."

And then it's like, okay, very good.

Uh, okay, Eco Shaggy, anonymous Twitter guy,

we don't really know anything about him. Let's see, what do you have for the class?

So we went to this data leak and we found her username.

It contains her birthday and her first, middle, and last name.

We then cross-referenced that with an old YouTube channel where

there's a video of

her and her face. Then we took that and we used it to find her Adult Friend

Finder account which has a username that's identical. And then we did this.

She went to Rhode Island and used her school email and,

and then we archived all of it. And then we...

And they're scrubbing it right now, we archived all of it.

And it's like, okay, so how is it that, like, some random guy did this in

secret by himself with no resources, and it's about whether or not she's

a lesbian, and it is the most meticulous, well-researched...

This is like, it's like a lawyer. It's like

My Cousin Vinny.

This is like a serious, it's like A Few Good Men.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as you'll see in Exhibit A, we

archived the Adult Friend Finder username.

It contains her birthday and her first, middle, and last name."

And then you got Candace Owens with millions of fans.

We don't know know, but we know. You know, the vibes aren't vibing, am I

right? Erika's such a bitch. Look at these text messages.

So I wrote in my diary, "Dear diary, Kanye reminds me of

Charlie."

And it just goes to show who would win.

Who would win, the most powerful female influencer on

planet Earth

or one autistic loner with the fucking internet?

I rest my case.

Who would win, the most powerful female influencer in

the world with billionaire backers like John Mappin, the

whole church of Scientology behind her,

and the government of Russia, you know, all these other things.

Who would win, that or literally one autistic loner

on a mission, on a mish?

So I thought that was funny. I just think that's ki- that is funny.

Objectively, that's funny.

And I'm stealing that take a little bit from JF.

Let's give the credit where it's due. We can all eat. Plenty to go around.

JF had this take. He said, "What does it say

that Eco Shaggy's investigation was far more rigorous

and meticulous and sophisticated than Candace Owens?

What do we do with that information? Where do we go from here?

You tell me." But anyway, so I thought that was so funny.

It's like, 'cause I-- it gets 50 million impressions.

You've got multiple people auditing the investigation and they're like, "Yep,

checks out. We did everything. It's all legit."

And it's like, who cares? Honestly, you know what my take

is about Candace Owens

and the whole thing? I don't wanna-- I'm not gonna go into the dirty stuff or

whatever. I will say though, I don't even really care

because it's like she's got a family, okay?

She kinda did what you're supposed to do, right?

What I care about is the other stuff. She got money from Oracle.

Her husband is talking about Israel.

I could really not care less if she's a lesbian. We all kinda...

You know, she's very butch and everything.

It's like, who cares? I don't, I don't really care whether it's true

or false.

If it's true, she did what she's supposed to do.

She didn't tell anybody, she got married and had a family.

It's what you're supposed to do.

The real problem is the other stuff in the investigation, which is that she

did three or four ad reads for Oracle, which is Larry Ellison,

and that her husband is on Twitter saying that he's

Israel's closest ally. You know, that's the issue actually.

It's John Mappin, it's, uh, the Kazakh wife.

It's their connections to the Mercers and Russia. That's the fucking problem.

So someone needs to look into that. That's the next investigation.

Anyway, I-