Humorous Take on Parenting Success

This one's about to piss a lot of people off, but hey, my parents

really went five for five. I'm saying that as the only adopted

kid in my family. I'm the only one that they actually had to go out and find,

okay? They went and drafted me, and they still hit.

They hit the Wendy's four for four and said, "Nah, that's not good enough.

We going five for five." They got four biological kids

and adopted one, and all of us came out as functioning,

mentally stable adults. All of us have jobs.

All of us went to college. All of us graduated high school,

college.

None of us have been arrested. Well, maybe I came close one

time, but never been arrested. All of us know how to act in

public. All of us know how to say please

and thank you.

All of us are working towards something, okay?

All of us have girlfriends or wives or boyfriends.

And I guess my parents remembered to teach every single one of us that

women are human beings, not some objects that we just get

to play around with. They're not just NPCs in a GTA

server. Not only do we know how to treat women,

we know how to treat kids.

We know how to treat the elderly. We know that if you make a baby, that

becomes an 18-year responsibility, an 18-year

subscription that you cannot just cancel at any time.

We know not to make one stupid decision at 19 years

old that'll have us up at 3:00 AM in the morning typing on the internet,

"Hey, can I name my baby Tax Refund?" My parents

didn't

raise any gay, bi, trans, pansexual kids.

My parents taught us the difference between a man and a woman.

It's very simple.

They told us there's only two choices, and those choices don't change depending

on your mood.

And somehow they did it five times.

That's what I'm impressed by.

I mean, it's hard to go 100% in anything in this

life,

especially raising kids when they're designed to

revolt against you. If you ask me, that ratio

is crazy. Five kids, zero criminal records,

five diplomas, five jobs, five people paying bills.

That is an undefeated record.

Even the 2015 to 2016 Golden State Warriors got nothing on my parents

because they went 100%. But then somebody will look at me

and say, "But yeah, you should vote blue." Brother,

my parents voted red. These are the same parents that raised five

kids into functioning adults. You want me to look at their

parenting resume and be like, "Yeah, I think you guys need some

coaching"?

They literally went five for five.

Not 50%, not 75%, not 80%,

100%.

At this point, I'm not questioning the coach.

I'm asking for the playbook, and on the front cover it says,

"Vote red."