Satirical Marketing Strategy for Lemons

You lemons

Make lemonade?

No.

First you roll out a multimedia campaign to convince people lemons are

incredibly scarce, which only works if you stockpile lemons, control the

supply. Then a, a media blitz. Lemons are the only way to

say, "I love you." The must-have accessory for

engagements or

anniversaries. Roses are out,

lemons are in. Billboards that say, "She won't have sex with you unless you've

got lemons." You cut DeBeers in on it.

Limited edition lemon bracelets, yellow diamonds called lemon drops.

You get Apple to call their new operating system OS Lemon.

Little accent over the O. You charge forty percent more for organic

lemons, fifty

percent more for conflict-free lemons. You pack the Capitol with lemon lobbyists.

You get a Kardashian to suck a lemon wedge in a leaked sex tape.

Timothée Chalamet wears lemon shoes at Cannes.

Get a hashtag campaign. Something isn't cool or tight or

awesome, no, it's lemon.

"Did you see that movie? Did you go to that concert?

It was effing lemon."

Billie Eilish, "OMG, #lemon."

You get Dr. Oz to recommend four lemons a day

and a lemon

suppository supplement to get rid of toxins, 'cause there is

nothing scarier than toxins. Then you patent the

seeds.

You write a line of genetic code that makes lemons look just a little more

like

tits, and you get a gene patent for the

tit-lemon DNA

sequence. You cross-pollinate.

You get those seeds circulating in the wild, and then you sue the

farmers for copyright infringement when that genetic code shows up on their

land. Sit back, rake in the millions, and then, when

you're done,

and you've sold your lemon empire for a few billion dollars, then and only

then, you make some fucking lemonade.