Comedy Roast of Celebrities

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, everyone.

He's so cute, so adorable. I bet you eat

pussy, but only with the crust cut off first.

Isn't that his look?

Speaking of crusty pussy, I'll get to you in a second, Cybill.

I, um-

I know.

I know.

Martha Stewart, shank you for being here.

Seriously, and congratulations on getting

that Thai soccer team out of your vagina-

... and into your sweatshops.

That's where they are now.

Surprisingly, Martha said that prison food wasn't that bad, just,

you

know, as long as it was clean-shaven, so.

She loves attention to detail.

Is she laughing?

I'm terrified of her.

No, I, and my, honestly, Martha Stewart, I'm a huge fan, and my mom is an even

bigger fan. My mom has learned everything from Martha

Stewart about cooking, and

cleaning, and withholding affection, so-

... it's close to my heart.

Kevin Pollak is here.

Ah. Such an amazing actor, most...

Uh, I know Kevin as, like, one of the greatest impressionists of all

time.

I'm a huge fan. My favorite of his is, um, he does an amazing

Robin Williams. Uh, I just wish he would finish it.

Yeah. Okay, guys, listen. All I'm saying is

that we've lost a lot of greats to

suicide recently, and it's time we lose some okays.

Cybill's gorgeous. I'm, like, honored to meet her, and, um, and her

resume is insane. Like, if you look at it, it's just like, model, actor, singer.

You name it, she's

it.

I wish that wasn't true.

I don't know any of these people. Cybill-

... why am I here? Ugh.

Literally, you have, like, no friends.

Um-

It's truly so cool to be sharing the stage with these badass

women, Cybill Shepherd, Martha Stewart, uh, Margaret

Cho. I'm sorry, Dom Irrera. I, sorry.

I thought that was-

Dom Irrera, I know, you sleepy potato.

Dom, I love you, but how did you have a stroke on both

sides of your face?

Explain that.

I don't know.

I don't get it.

Dennis Rodman, what's up?

Dennis Rodman.

Here we go.

I first met Dennis just earlier tonight when he tried to sell me incense on

the sidewalk.

I don't want any, okay?

I'm toast.

Edward Norton is here.

Hey, buddy.

Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy and then

that boy

became an asshole.

Right?

He was so hot in Fight Club, right?

When he was Brad Pitt, that was nuts.

Now, let's get to Bruce!

You should.

Bruce-

Yes?

... this is a, honestly, a real, a, a big personal moment for me to be

here roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star.

I know you obviously as the star of every DVD you kind of just

find on the street.

Obviously, you had an amazing action film career

until Jason

Statham started balding.

I'm just not familiar with action movies. I don't know.

I've never seen a single one of your films

consensually. Like-

... it's always what some guy puts on

while he's trying to finger me on his

roommate's couch. Do you know what I'm saying?

Maybe I didn't understand The Fifth Element,

and it wasn't 'cause I'm a dumb girl,

but because it's hard to follow that plot when you're fighting off a

roofie and

there's a knuckle inside you, you know?

Just me?

Oh, I loved The Sixth Sense, though. I loved...

And the ending, when the guy came in my eye

and I didn't have to watch the rest of

it, that was great.

A lot of people don't know that Bruce is a very talented musician, because he

isn't.

Bruce has also been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where

they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn't seem so terrible.

So cool. Bruce, in all honesty, thank you for

having me here. You're really cool.

You're so hot, and I, this is a special night. You really are.

It's a special night. Obviously, your family's...

Your daughters must be so proud of their father, Ashton Kutcher.

Thank you very much. Good night.