George Carlin on Religion, God, Hell and Money

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day.

And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do.

And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time.

But he loves you.

He loves you, and he needs money. He always needs money.

He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money.

Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more.

Now, you talk about a good bullshit story, holy shit. I want you to know something, this is sincere.

I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried.

I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things.

I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades.

Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work.

If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

Results like these do not belong in the resume of a supreme being.

This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

And just between you and me, and between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago.

And by the way, I say this guy because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this.