Stand-up Comedy on Social Issues

Where I'm from in New York, there are a lot of ugly women.

Feminists.

I grew up with these women, they're always like, "I'm a strong,

independent woman"

'cause she, like pays her own bills and just takes care of things on her own.

You know what we call a man who does that?

He's just a guy.

These women, like they're so funny, they're like all about female empowerment.

I learned this recently. Did you know that the top five wealthiest women in the

world got their money from divorce settlements?

It's genius, actually.

What am I doing working this hard?

No, but it's true. They take the money

that their husbands earned through

capitalism, and they funnel it through these,

like crazy socialist causes.

And they always have to come up with new problems, you know, like the Anti-Gravity

Foundation 'cause it keeps minorities down or something.

Theo's like, he's such a sweet boy.

Anyone knows dogs, like he's the classic lab.

He loves everyone, wants to play with everyone,

but I won't let him play with pits.

'Cause the thing is pit bulls are like Muslims.

Oh! Oh!

By the way, the few people who aren't excited about

this are the pit bull owners in

this room.

Yeah.

Listen, listen, they're not, they're not all violent.

Most of them aren't, but somehow

almost every violent attack happens with them.

They're like the Al-Qaeda sleeper cell of dogs, you know?

You'll see a pit for years, so happy, so sweet, and then they get a

signal that we don't see, and they're activated, and your face

is torn off.

And then you have some liberal white woman defending it, saying that you shouldn't

put it down- ... and that somehow it was your fault.

They're like, "Well, all the ones that I grew up with were super peaceful."

Great, we should put them in our dog parks 'cause

it worked out so well in

all the other dog parks, right?

This is a breed that was... Just, they made it just recently.

It's meant for illegal fighting, and we have to pretend

that all those years of

inbreeding and raising them from a young age to fight, like that just goes away and

suddenly they're westernized, I mean, domesticated.

My favorite is the gays who come up to me because they're all closet conservatives.

A lot of them, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. We have some people nodding. Do we have any gays in here?

No gays? Statistically, that's impossible. Some of you have to be gay.

Like, some of you have to be liberal in here,

too. They're hiding among us.

We'll sniff 'em out.

You're pointing?

Oh.

You're outing someone?

Sir, this is not a safe space, but you can come out to us.

Are you the liberal here?

I can't tell. Are you guys gay together or you're just liberal together?

Yeah?

I went to one of these New York City prep schools.

If you've ever seen Gossip Girl, it was a lot like that.

I was in class with kids whose parents were famous hedge fund billionaires, and

politicians, and artists. Nice to tell you, growing up in

that kind of environment,

being surrounded by liberals as the only Republican

Mm.

That was ghetto.

I recently had a show, I was told by some young Gen Z kid,

he looks like older than

you guys, uh-

He told me I'm not allowed to say "ghetto." Well, I had to give him a little

history lesson. It goes all the way back to the 1500s.

They put Jews in ghettos in Italy, but then obviously Black people came along

and

made it way cooler, so...

I was like not looking at you guys the whole time I told this joke, by the way.

But they were with me, they were with me.

But back to my time in the ghetto-

... of New York City private schools.

I've spent my whole life in rooms with liberals who assume that I agree with them

because, I mean, I'm obviously liberal passing, so...

It's crazy. And then I- but I've also been invited to the White

House because

that's the kind of stuff you get invited to when you're a .

I'm walking around the city the last few days.

People are coming up to me all over the place to tell me that they're closet

conservative, that they're hoping to leave the city at

some point, like I'm the

Harriet Tubman of the underground Republican Railroad.

I don't know, the vibe in here is kind of funny.

We're like in this basement, low ceiling.

Kind of giving like,

like a resistance meeting in East Berlin vibes.

Feel like I'm coming to you guys from the other side of the wall, you know?

Yeah.

And if you happen to be here, you just like bought tickets for a random

comedy show

on a Saturday night, and you have no idea-

That you've actually entered a Trump rally.

There have to be a co- like statistically, there have to be some liberals in here.

It's the science. They love that.

But

if you are here and you're a liberal, I'm very happy you're here, and I hope you

have fun, I hope you laugh. We're gonna have a great night,

'cause we're gonna flip

you. So we're gonna have-

By the way, you-- like statistically, it's like-