People-Pleasing as a Survival Tactic After Bullying

Because I don't feel like I... Like, I don't

identify as, like,

like a

a desirable person, I guess.

Um,

so I always assume that when people meet me,

I'm a bit of a disappointment.

That with

the hair and the makeup and the lighting and the styling and the

setup and everything there, and the acting, that that's, you know,

an illusion

of some kind.

And so...

But yeah. You know, and again, I, you know, my, my brain knows

that I am

taking this experience and I am blowing it way out of

proportion, you know? Like I, I know that, but again,

there's just something about your heart and your gut that-

I'm sorry, you, you feel like you're blowing what out of

proportion?

That I know that people aren't disappointed to meet me, or

that not everyone

finds me annoying. But knowing is not the same as, like,

believing.

Feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? And so that, that fear is always there.

I mean, my, part of my response when people are always like, "Oh,

I can't believe,

you know, you were someone who was bullied.

You seem so nice," or, "You seem..." You know, is I kinda go,

you know, we

present

the opposite of our fears, right?

Sure.

So if my deepest fear is that I am undesirable and unwanted and

unlikable,

then every action I do is in contrast to that.

Mm-hmm.

It's to make sure that I'm not annoying to you

or you like me or that I...

So you know, I've been dismissed as like, "Oh, you're a people pleaser," and I'm

like, "It is deeper than that," you know?

This is a survival tactic.

Um,

and it serves me in some ways, and it really doesn't in others.

I can very much be a doormat. I can very much, you know,

as we've been talking

about,

you know, I, I jump through a million hoops before I

say anything that could possibly,

you know, push me in a, in, in a direction of being

a confrontation. Um, yeah, it sucks, but I don't know.

I also feel like

I'm a compassionate person, and when I meet people who I can feel

have that,

like that energetics thing, where like, oh, I can feel like you're someone who

maybe got some of those comments or lived like that, who have

that little bit of

self-confidence, like there's a part of you that's like,

"I'm there.

I will be your friend." Right?

Mm-hmm.

Like, I wanna be...

I don't want anyone else to ever feel that way.

Yeah.

And I don't ever wanna feel that way again.

So I, I have that outreach in me, um,

and really, I'm really drawn to people who I think

share that

experience.

Don't give up.

I don't give up.