Stand-up Comedy Monologue on Weight Loss

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

I appreciate that. How you guys doing?

That's good.

Good, I'm all right.

I'm fine.

I got a couple of things I'm dealing with. I don't know.

I don't

know. I gotta lose weight.

It's a bummer.

You know what I mean? When you finally get so fat,

and you're like, "All right."

Hit that fat rock bottom. You guys are, some of you guys are probably fat as hell,

right?

Hey.

Just one guy, like, "Eh." But no, you hit that fat rock bottom.

My fat rock bottom sucked this year.

I, I was in a Bud Light commercial every 10

minutes.

I'd look up and see it on screen, and

I'd be like, " Bud Light." I was like, "Oh, no, I look like a lesbian."

I gotta change, so I tried hiking.

No, no.

Hiking was horrendous. I was ... It was one of the worst experience.

I went hiking by myself. Everyone was like, "You're gonna love it.

You're gonna take in nature the whole time." I didn't take in nature

at all. I looked at the ground.

I stared at the ground trying not to roll an ankle for, like, three hours.

The worst part was the only other person I saw on the hike, I was ...

I turned a corner, and the only other person I saw

was just a beautiful woman

walking towards me, also by herself.

So now I have, like, 30, 40 seconds,

you know?

We're both,

both thinking it, and look at me. Obviously, what, what ...

I, I don't hike, obviously. I'm so pale. I've never been outside.

I was wearing an Adidas tracksuit just walking- ...

coming out of the woods with my head down towards her.

You gotta figure out what face to make to let her know

I'm not here.

Which is a tough face to make. I don't know if you've ever tried to make

that face.

The best, the best I came up with is when I got closer, I was like,

It was terrifying, so 0 for one on hikes.

I tried to go to a public gym. Going to the public gym as a fat guy,

especially in

New York, is a nightmare, dude. Everyone's ...

It's just the hottest gay guys you've ever seen.

They're jacked, and they look at me.

They're like, "Yeah, right."

I know, dude. Also, I haven't been to the gym in so long,

I didn't know women just

dress like whores now.

Look, I'm sorry. There's no other way to describe ... I sa-

Have you seen it?

I've seen it, the shorts.

Have you seen the shorts? Those neon, they're, like, the only, they're, like,

artificial bait colored.

The wrinkles, the wrinkles go, like, around the cheeks and all

combine at the butt hole.

And don't look. You're not allowed to look.

For real, don't look, 'cause they are filming.

I'm, I'm in the background of, like, 10 TikToks right now.

And all the, all the equipment, I haven't been in the gym in so long,

I didn't ...

the equipment's changed. It's all, like, kettle bells and rubber bands and ropes.

I'm not doing kettle bells fat publicly.

Just-

I'd rather die.

So I don't do that. What's nice is in, uh, in Texas, my, my, my friend Joe Rogan

has a, uh, private gym at his studio, which that's nice.

I can work out there, and no one's around.

He also has a sauna, which I'm good at that.

I can sauna-

... with the best of them. I can

... The other day, I was in the sauna. I'm sitting there. I'm by myself.

No one's around, so I figure I'll get comfortable.

I take my shirt off.

I'm in my underwear. About five minutes in,

there's a knock on the glass door of

the sauna that scared me. I thought I was alone.

I look over, and it was Theo Von and Joe, and they open the door, and Joe just

goes, "Hey, Theo said you looked like a gas station

egg."

And then they closed the door. They left. I didn't even get a comeback.

I was like, "Yeah, whatever." Now it's just me and

that insult for 10 more

minutes, just baking with that insult. There's no music in there.

Now I'm arguing with Theo Von in my head for 10 minutes.

Like, "You look like, uh, some type of egg my cousin might've

found."

"Shut up, you dumb hick."

The thing that, the thing that hurt the most, though, was

when he closed the glass

door, I saw my own reflection. I looked exactly like a gas station

egg. That's one of the meanest things anyone's

told me.

"You look like a wet, bagged hard-boiled egg."

That's gonna be in there for the rest of my life.

I'll be at, like, an old folks' home looking out the window,

like, "I'm not an egg,

Theo."

All right, lay down.

It's one of those insults that's just in there. I'm sure you have those.

As soon as somebody says them to you, you're like,

"That's in there for the rest of

my life." I've got a lot of those, 'cause, uh, I was raised by two

older sisters.

Yeah. Nasty.

And women are like, they're more psychological.

I was always jealous of the guys with older brothers, 'cause the worst you got

there was like, "Come here, queer.

Yeah." I had two big, fat, bitch sisters.

Psychological. They both looked like me with wigs.

Dude, they were like, "Hey."

They would say the meanest things.

They'd be like, "Everyone knows you're masturbating in the

shower." I'd be like-

... "No." Thought I was getting away with that. I wasn't.

I was taking a big chunk out of the Herbal Essence.

It's a see-through bottle. They knew.

But my sister ...

Dude. Sorry, my buddy's laughing. So what, shut up.

He's very nice. I love him. Anyway, my sister, uh, she got me with one

that stuck

with me for the rest of my life. I was, I was, I was a little old for what I was

doing. I was in, like, sixth grade.

I was laying on the floor in front of the TV, and, uh, she was, she was in the

recliner behind me, probably cracking a Pilsner with her

trucker forearms.

But I was laying on the floor like a mermaid. I'll never forget what she said.

She said, "Hey, get out of the way of the TV, bitch hips."

I was a child. Bitch hips, wet egg.

That's tough.

I tell you, the thing that, uh, I'm really bothered by

is I've balded directly into

an Adolf Hitler haircut.

And it's not good, 'cause I give a lot of speeches,

and the front falls down a lot,

and there's no way to adjust it without looking exactly like

... It's the only way. I, I'm not gonna do that. That's gay.

That's it. You're either gay, or you're Hitler.

And this is not where we're at as a country.

Hey, that was the monologue, ladies and

gentlemen.

That's what it's all about. Hey, we've got a great show for you tonight.

Rosalía is here.

There we go. So, uh, stick around, and we'll be right back.