Satirical Discussion on Declaring War

Gentlemen,

our situation is indeed desperate.

We stand poised on the brink of disaster.

There is only one way out: war.

No.

We must declare war on the United States.

No. No. No.

But we could never win such a war.

Of course not. But we could win the peace.

I've given this a lot of thought, gentlemen,

and I'm perfectly positive I am right.

You must remember, the Americans are a very strange people.

Whereas other countries rarely forgive anything, the Americans forgive

everything.

Yes.

There isn't a more profitable undertaking for any country than to

declare war on the United States and to be defeated.

True, true.

No sooner is the aggressor defeated than the Americans pour in food, machinery,

clothing, technical aid, and lots and lots of money for the relief of its

former

enemies.

Yes.

In other words, gentlemen, in effect, we declare war on Monday, we are defeated

on Tuesday, and by Friday we will be rehabilitated

beyond our wildest

dreams.

Yes, but is that honest, Bobo?

No, not really, but it's terribly practical and

infallible too. I give you my word, Your Grace, it will solve

all our problems.

But we have no army.

Oh, pish posh. Who needs an army? 20 men or so would be quite sufficient.

Oh. And who's gonna lead them?

Tully Bascombe, of course. He's our hereditary field marshal

and grand constable.

Tully? No, not Tully. He's... Well, he's a very

nice boy, but he's never been any good at games.

Exactly. You can't send Tully on a mission like

this.

He's got fallen arches, flat feet, sinus, migraine,

claustrophobia, and high blood pressure.

Apart from being nearsighted and getting dizzy in high places. Ah.

We are not asking him to climb the Alps, you know.

All Tully has to do is to get the men over there.

Once they try to land in New York without visas, they will be arrested,

and, um, that's all there is to it, really.

I don't want anyone hurt.

Of course not, Your Grace.

I'll tell Tully to be very careful. Besides,

we can send Will Buckley with him.

Buckley was a sergeant in the British Army in the other war.

He can act as interpreter.

Well, gentlemen, there's only one way.

We have but one choice:

bankruptcy or prosperity. Which will it be?

I move we declare war on the United States of America.

Yes. Yes.

As leader of the party of the common man, I say that war is

reprehensible, barbaric, unforgivable, and unthinkable