Stand-up Comedy Performance Excerpt

All right. Thank you, sir.

All right. All right. How's everybody... How's everybody doing?

All right. And you guys can all hear me okay? I know this guy can right here.

Boy, this guy's ears are so big, he's

laughing at jokes from the Yuck Yuck Club all the way to the other side of town.

All right. And you, sir, you're doing okay?

And you're getting enough to eat? Is that even possible?

Thank you, sir. Folks, I'm sorry, I'm going to

get everybody tonight. Nobody is safe. I'm getting everybody, except for you, sir.

I'm going to leave you alone. Just like your date did tonight. Hello!

All right. Okay, who's next? Who is next?

Hey, ma am. I get it, you have breasts,

okay? Jeez, look at this chick over here.

Her cleavage is giving the Grand Canyon an inferiority complex.

You scared me. Who's talking right now? Do me.

Yeah, hey, man.

Look at that pink shirt you got on there. Wow. Where'd you get that?

Queertshirts com?

It's in support of breast cancer awareness.

I am gay, though.

Okay. Go for it. I can take it. Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, hey, yeah. Don't you worry about that, man.

Gloves are coming off. Okay?

Right there. Right there.

What's with the three drinks, man? Alcoholic much?

This is my pain medication. Of course it is. It's your pain medication.

Because, uh, he is in pain.

Right now. Make fun of the burns. Yes.

Make fun of the... What did you say?

Here's the problem, sir, is it's really dark in here,

and... Sorry, are you burned because I can't make it out? Thanks so much,

ma am, for illuminating him. Thank you. That's, uh, I appreciate that.

Oh, those burns. Make fun of the robot voice. Sir, I don't know.

Come on, I can take it. Okay, well, no, you know what?

I feel like... Or the wheelchair.

Look, sir, there is nothing funny about you being in a wheelchair, and we can all...

Oh, but there is something funny about me being fat.

All right, all right, fine, fine, I've got it. I've got it. I'm doing it.

I'm doing it. I just

didn't want to go after this guy because I didn't want him to kill me in my dreams.

Like, like Freddy Krueger.

Oh, come on. Because he... No?

You know, did you see how Freddy Krueger's face is burned off?

That's not...

You ass...

He said he could take it. That's what he said.

I thought I could, but I can't. How is this on me?

How do we even know if he's crying right now?

Oh, my God. I don't know that sound.

It just sounds like an electronic zap.

The tears, they burn. He said he could take it.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!