Stand-up Comedy on Current Events

Hello, I'm Sergeant Constable Detective Officer Peter Pisspot from Twat Valley

Police, As Salaam Alaikum.

Obviously, across the country,

we were all deeply shocked and upset to learn of the murder of former

Conservative politician and media personality, Anne Whittacombe.

But there is good news to report. A white man has been arrested.

In the interests of community cohesion,

we were hoping the perpetrator would be a white man.

And it did indeed turn out that our chief suspect was a white man,

meaning that we were able to arrest him quickly without being accused of racism.

We now have a white man in custody,

which is a fantastic result for diversity and inclusion.

There has been some speculation that the

murder was politically motivated, which of course is ridiculous.

There is nothing to suggest that that was the case.

Just because Anne Whittacombe was a very well known right wing politician and the

perpetrator purposely drove 300 miles from his Rotherham home to her exact address,

doesn't mean there was any political intent there.

As we know, there is absolutely no

precedent for unhinged left wing nutjobs trying to murder those who

they consider to be their political opponents. It never happens.

All the indications are that the perpetrator

was suffering from mental health issues.

There is some indication that he had learning difficulties.

Yes, he was lucid enough to know who Anne Whittacombe was,

find out exactly where she lived and drive his car 300 miles to that location with a

pre selected murder weapon.

But that significant degree of

organisation and planning is no guarantee that he didn't have learning difficulties

and mental health problems.

As this is an ongoing investigation,

we would strongly urge people not to speculate.

Even if everything about it,

the statements released by the police,

the way it's reported across the media, seems incredibly dodgy,

we would strongly advise people to shut up and don't get involved.

To be clear, this is absolutely not a state cover up.

You are being kept fully informed.

And as always, you can trust the police force,

your government and the legacy media to be honest with you at all times.

Don't go digging around on the internet.

All you will find is disinformation about this matter.

Best thing you can do is just forget it ever happened.

Keep your mouth shut and go about your business.

Stay safe out there. Asalaamu Alaikum. Namaste. Kumbaya.

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