Media Executives Plot a House Cat Flu Scare

I'd like to call to order this secret conclave of America's media empires.

We are here to come up with the next phony baloney crisis to put Americans back

where they belong, in dark rooms glued to their televisions,

too terrified to skip

the commercials.

Well, I think-

NBC, you are here to listen and not speak.

I think we should go with a good old-fashioned public health scare.

Yeah.

A new disease. No one's immune. It's like the summer of the shark,

except instead

of a shark, it's an epidemic, and instead of summer, it's all the time.

That is-

Now, I hate to be the guy who derails what

everybody else loves.

He loves being that guy.

But Janice, we do have standards. This can't be a made-up

disease. The only moral thing to do is release a deadly virus

into the general public.

We do have something we've been holding onto, but it hasn't been tested.

Get over here, NBC.

Uh

well, well, we certainly believe in testing, but I...

Oh, oh.

Wow. Wow.

Oh, yeah.

So we've got our deadly disease. Now we just have to blame it on

something that's in every household, something that people are a

little bit afraid of already.

House cat flu is coming, people. The Center for Disease Disinformation

predicts with some degree of probability that the house cat flu might spread in

the following hypothetical outbreak pattern.

So better beware, that warm body on your lap just might be

ready to

destroy your tender vittles.

Ah! Springfielders are advised to stay tuned for more

information if they

experience any of the following symptoms: mild thirst, occasional hunger,

tiredness at night