Critique of Modern Premier League Football

Welcome to the Premier League, where we took a proper working class sport

and successfully priced out the very people who built it.

We've secured success for the future by erasing the past.

As far as we are concerned, football before 1992 is

irrelevant and should be forgotten.

It's a triumph of modern management.

The league brilliantly took a chaotic, poorly run local event and successfully

franchised it into a chaotic, poorly run global extravaganza.

Say goodbye to those historic stadiums.

The clubs have replaced them with soulless corporate bowls with silly names

like the Jimmy Hills Dick in Someone's Stadium.

Miss the old days of affordable Saturdays?

The clubs fixed that by ensuring you need a second mortgage just to sit behind a

concrete pillar.

And if you can't afford a ticket, we've made it incredibly simple to see

your

favorite team. Just buy five different streaming packages

to watch one

single season.

And if you live overseas, you get to watch all game, include

Saturday kickoff. But not in UK, that is naughty, naughty.

We sue you if you do this.

We fixed the problem of poor clubs going broke by ensuring billionaires can

come in, drain the club of all assets, and then sell it on at a profit.

That's great business sense. And the diversity is

incredible. Instead of standing and singing with your mates, you now get

to sit next to Sven from Thorsgaard, who has flown in especially for this

one match. And the merchandising, the clubs release three new kits

every season, each with a stadium or a match version.

And what's the difference between those versions? About 40 quid.

Don't just support your team, support your favorite player by getting

their name

put on your shirt, usually just before they're sold to a

rival

for a record fee.

Forget that old cheap crap food you used to get at matches, it's now much more

expensive crap food. And if you need to ask the price, you

can't afford it.

The players have evolved. We've gone from gritty footballers on

minimum wage who

would play on a broken leg to drama queen millionaires who cry if they break a

nail. That's progress. Miss the spontaneity of a goal

celebration? We introduced VAR to suck all the joy out

of your weekend,

making you wish you were at home to see the replays from 16

different angles and

speeds. And after the game, the clubs demolish the grimy local

pubs and replace them with an official fan zone where you can debate the match over

a 12 pound craft ale.

The Premier League, making the FA, the clubs, and footballers richer,

and the supporters poorer since 1992, because we've got you

believing that is when football started