If I Were the Devil Monologue

If I were the devil.

If I were the devil.

If I were the prince of darkness, I'd want to engulf the whole world in

darkness,

and I'd have a third of its real estate and four-fifths of its population, but I

wouldn't be happy until I have seized the ripest apple on the tree,

thee.

So I'd set about however necessary to take over the United States.

I'd subvert the churches first. I'd begin with a campaign of whispers.

With the wisdom of a serpent, I would whisper to you as I whispered to

Eve, "Do as

you please."

To the young, I would whisper that the Bible is a myth.

I would convince them that man created God instead of the other

way around.

I would confide that what's bad is good and what's good is square.

And the old I would teach to pray after me, "Our Father,

which art in Washington."

And then I'd get organized. I'd educate authors in how to make lurid

literature exciting so that anything else would appear dull

or non-interesting.

I'd threaten TV with dirtier movies and vice versa.

I'd peddle narcotics to whom I could.

I'd sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction.

I'd tranquilize the rest with pills.

If I were the devil, I'd soon have families at war with

themselves, churches at

war with themselves, and nations at war with themselves until

each in its turn was consumed. And with promises

of higher ratings, I'd have mesmerizing media

fanning the flames. If I were the devil, I would encourage

schools to refine young intellects but neglect to discipline emotions.

Just let those run wild until before you knew it, you'd have to have

drug-sniffing dogs and metal detectors at every schoolhouse

door.

Within a decade,

I'd have prisons overflowing. I'd have judges promoting

pornography. Soon I could evict God from the

courthouse, then from the

schoolhouse, and then from the houses of Congress.

And in His own churches, I would substitute psychology for religion

and

deify science. I would lure priests and pastors into

misusing boys and girls and church money.

If I were the devil, I'd make the symbol of Easter an egg

and the symbol of

Christmas a bottle. If I were the devil, I'd take from those who

have and give to those who wanted until I had killed the

incentive of the ambitious.

And what'll you bet

I couldn't get whole states to promote gambling

as the way to get rich?

I would caution against extremes

in hard work, in patriotism, in moral conduct.

I would convince the young that marriage is old-fashioned,

that swinging is more fun,

that what you see on TV is the way to be.

And thus I could undress you in public,

and I could lure you into bed with diseases for which

there is no cure.

In other words, if I were the devil, I'd just keep right on doing what he's

doing.