Palantir, Billionaires and Surveillance: A Satirical Critique

Hello, I'm from the government with an update on humanity's gentle slide back into feudalism, as foretold in scriptures like Idiocracy and Back to the Future II.

We are now entering what experts call the find out stage, brought to you by Brawndo. It's got electrolytes.

And now please rise for our first t-t-trillionaire, the product of decades of policy failure, taxpayer handouts, and ketamine.

Hail. Of course, when you wake up to the obscene inequality we've enabled, you'll want to fight back.

That's why billionaires are building the tools to protect themselves from you, tools like Palantir. Hi, I'm from Palantir, the military contractor and AI software company named after the all-powerful seeing stones Tolkien warned us not to leave in the hands of evil bastards. Thankfully, we are very wise and balanced,

like our CEO, who can't stop talking about killing people, wants an AI arms race, and gets a boner talking about the West's superiority in applying organized violence. And our founder, who thinks Greta is the Antichrist- Pete knows about the Antichrist ... and no longer believes freedom and democracy are compatible. Hail.

By freedom, of course, Pete means freedom for him and his brologarch mates to rule the world. And that's where Palantir comes in.

Let's meet some of our valued clients. Hello, I'm from ICE.

Kidnapping people off the street is hard work, but not with Palantir.

Palantir makes it easy for us to link your tax file, social security license, and plates into AI-driven hit lists.

Sure, we mostly use it on migrants now, but Palantir will come in real handy when we need to round up the resistance. Thanks, Palantir.

Hello, I'm from the government of Israel.

Committing war crimes is hard work, but not with Palantir.

AI-assisted targeting makes it simple to murder thousands of people, even if most of them are civilians according to our own reports.

Thanks for supporting our genocide, Palantir.

Here at the British government, we heard Palantir is used for war crimes and said, "Hey, let's give them a contract with our NHS."

Could someone abuse that data? No. It's not like Palantir's UK CEO is the grandson of a known fascist, Nazi-loving antisemite. Hail.

Here at the Australian government, we have no fucking clue.

So while others are ditching Palantir due to fears over data safety and its ties to El Douche, we've let Palantir into our defense department, banks, and even supermarkets. G'day, I'm from Coles.

Price gouging you wasn't enough, so we hired Palantir to track and cut costs on our already underpaid serfs.

I mean, staff. Sadly for us, people are realizing what fucking psychos we are here at Palantir. That's why France just ended our contract.

British MPs want us out of the NHS, and GetUp is campaigning to kick us out of Coles, which is a good start, except Palantir is just one head of the hydra. The underlying problem are these billionaire shitbags and the feudal dystopia they're building around us.

So if you like democracy, now would be a great time to wake the fuck up and stop them while you still can.

This has been a message from your local government franchise. Good luck.

Authorized by the Department of Tech Bro Feudalism.