Harry and a Student Make Absurd Hogwarts Complaints

Hang on. What? We've got a complaints department.

We have a what? A complaints department.

Says here students can submit formal grievances regarding school operations, facilities, staff, and any other sources of dissatisfaction.

What? Any? That's what it says. Harry. I know.

Does it say there's a limit? No. Oh, that's dreadful.

We should probably tell them.

"All grievances taken seriously." That's a very dangerous promise.

Shall we? After you. What are we complaining about?

I haven't decided. Winging it. I like it, I like it.

Come in. Close the door.

Nature of complaint? There's a ghost in the boys' lavatory.

There are ghosts everywhere. Yes, but this one's alive.

What? It's just a man. A man? He stands in the corner making ghost noises.

Have you asked him to leave? He says he's haunting. He's very committed.

What does he want? Uh, employment. You two aren't being serious.

Name of the alleged ghost? Gary G- Ghostafar.

And where exactly does Gary conduct his haunting?

Third cubicle, boys' lavatory.

And you've established he's not actually deceased?

He asked for sandwiches.

In the lavatory? That's actually our second complaint.

Why aren't there sandwich machines in the lavatories?

Anything else? The stairs. What about them? They suck.

Too many. Too many stairs? That move. Yes, that's fucking crazy.

Young lady, I will not have that language.

You should report her. Yes, I wish to confess.

Where can I report my offense?

We believe the headmaster has been replaced by three children standing on each other's shoulders.

I beg your pardon? The bottom one's got red hair, if that helps.

And what evidence have you? They keep asking for sandwiches.

I bumped into the headmaster the other day, and the middle one started crying.

We've discovered a second Thursday.

Owls keep crashing through my window, drunk.

Someone's getting owls drunk. The soup knows my name.

A suit of armor called me a slur. There's a small republic operating inside the headmaster's hat.

They've declared war on Belgium. Right, we need something completely believable this time.

What about the ducks? No, too obvious. You as discucks.

That's disgusting. Let's do it. Next complaint.

Someone's been shitting in the enchanted hats.

Pardon? Not all of them, just the ones that talk.

That's the Sorting Hat, Harry. Oh. Someone's been shitting in the Sorting Hat.

And how do you know this? The hat's been talking shit.

Oh, I've got one, I've got one. Someone's been wiping their ass with the invisibility cloak.

That's a good one. Write it down. For God's sake, write it down.